The 2018 Miller Shearer Family Christmas Letter

Seasons Greetings, Family and Friends

This year, the Shearer family has finally joined the modern world and added a Sabremetrics division to our operating budget. We believe that advanced statistics and data science can give us new insights into our family that will really let us take this Xmas letter to the big time. We’ll only be happy when we finally take home the National Christmas Letter Championship (the damn Hendricksons keep beating us out in the semis). Unfortunately, due to stingy ownership, the Sabremetrics (or Shearermetrics, if you will) division is made up entirely of an unpaid intern named Ryan who is currently on a one-man strike because I wouldn’t approve his vacation request for some off days over Christmas, but, before he decided to start banging a drum outside of my parents’ house all day and chanting about a new contract, we were able to get some great graphs and pie charts out of him. So, please enjoy our new and improved Christmas letter, complete with the most cutting edge analysis to give a deeper and more critical look into just how awesome and cool the Shearer family is. Make sure to go online and vote for us in the championship. We need all the support we can get.

Anyway, here’s information about our family. You can read the words if you have to, I guess, but make sure to pay attention to the very real and not-made-up-at-all data for special insight into who we are as a family.

Tobin:

I’m trying to come up with something to say of the non-sincere variety, but I’ve been told that, when I attempt sarcasm, I just end up sounding mean. So, sincere it is.

Although it has been a rough year at the university, highlights (other than posting on Facebook) have been lots of backpacking and camping trips this summer, a trip with Cheryl to New Orleans to attend Humanities meetings, getting to work with awesome students, our weekly supper club gatherings (now completing our 10th year), getting to officiate at a wedding here in Missoula (see Cheryl’s shout out below), and the addition of Pauli (our St. Bernard/Border Collie mix named after civil rights activist Pauli Murray) to our family.

I still am in love as much as ever with my partner (Cheryl, in case it wasn’t obvious) of 32 years (as of December 21). She is my favorite person to get to hang out with. Peace.

Cheryl:

Hi friends and family. Before you have to read any further without actual holiday greetings, let me just say we hope you all are having or had a wonderful time with family and friends and that the New Year is the happiest of all.  

This past year I finished my program in Public Health, changed employers (though I’m doing the same job) and went to not one but two large family reunions in the midwest. It was rejuvenating taking 2 weeks of vacation this summer and doing numerous weekend trips. Having our family together in Missoula in October for friends’ wedding (shout out to Beth and Justin!) was also a highlight. Now that I’ll not be in school, I’m trying to figure out where my life is going, which is always fun. What if it’s not going anywhere? I guess we’ll see. Love and Peace to you all!

Dylan:

    Before I get into the all the incredibly important, life-changing, and virtuous stuff I’ve done this year, I’d just like everyone complete a little task. Please pull out your copy (or take it off the wall where you have it framed) of the 2015 Miller Shearer Christmas letter. Go all the way to the end. What’s that? A bit about advanced stats for the Miller Shearer family? During a year when I wrote the letter? Three whole years ago? Wild, wild, stuff. Wonder where Zach got the idea? Couldn’t have been me, his older brother, no way.

Bit drama aside, it’s been a year of change for me. I started the PhD program in History at University of Illinois-Chicago (UIC for short. Go Flames?) this fall, so I’m currently doing that full time. It also means that I’m mostly just doing that, and as the above graph represents, I’ve had to cut back on some other stuff (Note: While I’m writing this Zach is on his way over to my house to play video games with me.) I’ve been really enjoying it and have met some cool people in the program. And no, I am not turning into my Dad, no matter how much it seems like I am doing exactly that. I know how to swear, and he just straight up doesn’t.

I won’t bore you with anything else about it. That’s really been the biggest thing. I still do improv around the city, tweet too much, and cook whenever I can. And once again, as a reminder, Zach stole my bit. Please, never forget this.

Zach:

    I have no idea what Dylan is talking about with a “bit.” Ryan is very real, and I’m beginning to understand why he went on strike if members of our family won’t even acknowledge him as a real human. Shame, Dylan, shame.
    Anyway, 2018 was a pretty solid year for me, and I’ll go over some of the highlights. In July, I found a new job as a Financial Aid Verification Representative for Purdue Global. As some of you may recall, my old job was working the night shift at an international hostel, so my sleep cycle is much healthier now. About a month after finding the new job, I also moved apartments. I now live in an apartment unit in the basement of an Episcopalian Church rectory. There are some weird paintings on the wall and an out-of-tune piano in the living room, but it’s cheap rent so I can’t complain too much.

Additionally, I am doing a lot of volunteer communications work with the Chicago chapter of the DSA as well as helping out on an alderman campaign. Highlight of the year so far with that is when I showed up for like 3 seconds at the beginning of an AJ+ video about Democratic Socialism.
    Oh, also, I do have a girlfriend now. Her name is Mimi and she’s a very lovely person. (She also helped out with these graphs!) Hopefully you’ll get to meet her sometime soon.

    Well, that’s all of us. Hope you enjoyed hearing about our lives in 2018. As you can see, a lot of great insights and hilarious moments thanks to our new Shearermetrics department.

Before we go, I’d just like to wish you all happy holidays and a fantastic new year. Please go online and vote for out letter. Also, consider sending an email to the judges over at the National Christmas Letter Championship to tell them how much you enjoyed reading this. Maybe don’t mention Ryan. Don’t want to get disqualified for a labor violation and give the Hendricksons an easy win, those jerks.

Happy Holidays!

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The 2017 Miller Shearer Family Christmas Letter

“Every work of art is an uncommitted crime.” - Adorno

Dearest Reader,

Welcome. Willkommen. Please, sit down. Take, as they say, a load off. To quote the esteemed philosopher-poet Frankie Goes to Hollywood, “Relax.” Close your eyes, but not too much so that you can keep reading the letter. Imagine, if you would, that you are holding a cup of eggnog. Oh, you don’t like eggnog? Please put this letter down and do not read it anymore.

Sorry, I got a bit heated there. This is not my weekly eggnog newsletter (if you would like to be included on my NogWild mailing list please sign up at tinyurl.com/hogwildfornogchild). This is the Miller Shearer Family Christmas Letter. A letter so beautiful that some have described it as being “the telos of aesthetics.”

*Train Sound from Inception*

This year, as every year, The Miller Shearer Christmas Letter (yes, the capitalization is correct, this letter is a PROPER NOUN) is a reflection on life, love, loss, laughter, and lfamily. Just kidding; it’s a letter that’s like forty-five percent about what happened this year, fifteen percent an excuse for Dylan and Zach to do dumb bits, and forty percent attempts at getting inappropriate words past the censors, Tobin and Cheryl, GøsH DArN. [Censors' note: previous two words have been censored and replaced.]

But at the risk of ruining the whole above-it-all, ironic vibe that’s happening here, 2017 has been an absolutely bonkers year, for both the Miller Shearer family, the U.S., and the world as a whole. Like utterly insane. I’m talking Dada levels of nuts. Dali would be proud of 2017. And I don’t mean bonkers in a good way a la Fast Five starring Vin Diesel and the Rock. I mean like tunnel sequence in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory scary-bonkers. But we’re all still here, I guess, so there’s that.

Sorry for getting real for a second. In any case here’s what the family has to say:

Cheryl: I will take this opportunity to wish everyone a blessed holiday season and Merry Christmas. In an uncharacteristic move (for me), I set two goals for myself this year, hoping, in some way to challenge myself to do something hopeful in the face of current nonsense. One was to walk the Missoula half marathon and the other was to start back to school to obtain a certificate in Public Health. Tobin and I walked the half marathon on a hot day in July and we managed to finish. Yeah! And this fall, I started 2 classes. In fact, I am writing this note while procrastinating on finishing a paper for my Public Health Administration and Management class. I continue to work 4 days a week at my job as an RN Case Manager. Let us all work for a better world.  

Tobin: So, uncharacteristically, I’ll be sincere and write about what I am grateful for from this last year: painting our house blue and purple; getting to read (and respond!) to Dylan’s PhD application essay; being challenged by Zachary on some of my public comments about the anti-fa movement; driving hundreds of miles through the Canadian Rockies with Cheryl; leading dozens of workshops and seminars on white supremacy and privilege; completing a book project; starting another; continuing to work out regularly at Five Valleys Crossfit in Missoula; and being supported by hundreds of friends from across the country in the wake of unwanted attention from the far right. In a world with so much wrong with it, these are true gifts. May you all find unexpected blessings in this crazy time we inhabit.

Dylan: Hello, all. As the least inclined of all the members of this family to be in any way real or serious, I shall work against my natural inclination to just post repurposed Kanye lyrics instead of actual news, and attempt to tell you a little about what’s been going on in my life (Borat voice). In 2017 I got a new job working at a marketing/advertising agency which is cool and interesting to some people. I also had the chance to put on my first sketch show in Chicago which was super fun. I started and continue to do work with the Chicago Democratic Socialists of America which has been super fulfilling in this Trumpian nightmare world we live in. There’s some quote about raging against the dying of the light or whatever, which would probably be appropriate here, but I can’t remember it. I also applied to a bunch of PhD programs in history. We’ll see if I get in anywhere, but it’d be cool if I did.

Zach: “Hello, my name’s Zach and this year I went viral on Twitter and my apartment burned down. I had to jump out of my window to escape.” That’s been my opening line at parties the last couple months but it’s not gonna be useful much longer so I thought I’d throw it in here to get a few more miles out of it. It really hooks people in right from the get-go which is what my 4th grade teacher taught me was the best way to start an essay. Gets people intrigued. Anyway, both things are true. Unfortunately, having a tweet get eleven thousand retweets doesn’t actually earn me any money so I’m still working night shift at an international hostel in downtown Chicago instead of skiing down piles of gold like Scrooge McDuck. The apartment thing was also crazy, but I was able to get out unharmed and find a new place relatively quickly. A big thank you to all of you who offered me support when that happened. You’re all great. Outside of those two major events, I also did a lot of work with the Chicago DSA, wrote a lot, and tried to travel to visit friends when I could afford it and find the time. Overall, I’d say it was a pretty good year: B+.

Boom, Bam, Bloaw. All four members of the Miller Shearer nuclear family have weighed in. The cycle is complete. The danger averted. The prophecy forestalled by the work of just four human beings. The world shall spin for at least one more year, circling the Sun on its endless journey through time. For that is what the Miller Shearer Family Christmas Letter is. An act of selflessness to prevent the world from ending. Or something to that effect. You’re welcome is what I’m trying to say.

So, dear reader, you may now open your eyes all the way again. Look around, take a breath, stretch a little. Throw another log on the fire. Drink some more eggnog. The letter is all but done. You have just one more task. Go to your local purveyor of masticatable goods, a greengrocer if you will. Purchase, via fiat currency or the five-fingered discount, a nice bag of Grandma Utz’s brand chips. Eat that bag of chips. Or, as Cheryl wants to remind our dearest readers, you could do something creative. There, now Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Yuletide/The Celebration of the Winter Solstice, and by extension, this letter, is now complete. 

“In other words, the man who is born into existence deals first with language; this is a given. He is even caught in it before his birth.” - Lacan

Happy Holidays,

The Miller Shearer Family

A Miller Shearer Christmas Letter - 2016

A Miller Shearer Christmas Letter - December 2016

    Hi everybody! A hearty “Season’s Greetings!” from the Miller Shearer family. Like every year, with neighborly spirits and full hearts, we like to update our friends and family on what we got up to this year in our Christmas letter. And, as per usual, we do it in a sincere, kindly manner that is inoffensive to anyone and definitely not a function of us trying to “lay low.” Ha ha. That would be ridiculous. It’s not like any of us are on a watchlist or socialists or anything and worried about the fascist we have for a President. Nope. This is totally normal for us.

    So, Merry Christmas to you all. What a year it’s been! Absolutely brimming with love and joy. Although, before we share our many blessings, we’d be remiss not to mention that we have mourned the many celebrities who have left this earth in 2016. In particular, Elie Wiesel, Muhammad Ali, and Phife Dawg saddened us. Although to then mention that the many shootings of black men and women this year by police proves that those celebrities’ legacies need to be continued and that the fights they fought aren’t over would be controversial and possibly dangerous, so we won’t say that. Nope, we’re just gonna stick with “saddened.” 

Maybe it’d be prudent to focus on other things that happened this year, related to just us. Like how, Tobin and Zach built a brick patio in our backyard in Missoula, Montana. That was cool, and there aren’t watchlists of people who build patios, are there? Great. Also, we have two new additions to the household this year: Hocus and Pocus who are sister kitties. They’re very adorable and everyone would think so regardless of their politics. . .   I hope.

 

 Because there’s so much good stuff to tell, here’s each member of the family writing about their year in the least incriminating, most sincere way possible.

Mom: Hello everyone. Here are things about my life from the past year. I passed a milestone at my job around September. I’ve worked there for 7 years now - which is the longest time I’ve worked anywhere. I keep looking at the classifieds though, just to see what’s out there. (Ha ha just kidding Liz!) When In between going to work I took trips to San Antonio with Tobin, Chicago with Zach to see Dylan, Iowa by myself for Shetler family reunion, and Pennsylvania for niece Alma’s wedding. One more trip to PA for Christmas will round out the year. And because this is Christmas, and it has traditionally been my role to say something, um, not sarcastic, I will quote Steve Maraboli from Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience. “Want to keep Christ in Christmas? Feed the hungry, clothe the naked, forgive the guilty, welcome the unwanted, care for the ill, love your enemies, and do unto others as you would have done unto you.” (Zach, too political??)

Dad: As I Iook back over the last year, the most significant thing about it was not that I finally finished a new book on the Fresh Air program (Two Weeks Every Summer: Fresh Air Children and the Problem of Race in America due out in April from Cornell Press - yeah!) after about a decade of research on the subject, not that I had the gift of an eight-month sabbatical, not that I got invited to preach in a Mennonite church about racism for the first time in twenty years, and definitely not that - as Zach infers above - I got put on an academic watchlist of dangerous professors. No, the most significant thing about the past year was that I took a spiritual retreat in January for five days in a snow-covered cabin in the woods in Montana. During that time, I prayed the hours of the office around the clock. It taught me two important things: 1) that I never want to be a monk because - among other things - it would require getting up several times in the middle of the night to pray the hours and, dang, but that was hard; and 2) that I love my work and want to continue doing exactly what I am doing now for as long as I can. Of course, getting to spend time with Cheryl in San Antonio, working out with Zach in the gym, and getting to hear Dylan’s new history podcast were also pretty cool, but having a renewed sense of purpose and peace in doing so was a great gift.

Dylan: 2016 has been a crazy, unpredictable, politically-charged year. “But Dylan,” you’re asking yourself, “what do you mean? 2016 seemed pretty normal to me! I can’t think of one crazy, unpredictable politically charged event that happened in 2016.” Well let me provide the voice in your head with some evidence. For example, I now enjoy okra, something that was verboten as recently as 2015. I’ve also been listening to a lot more country music. I’m still calling it “roots rock” but who are we kidding, it’s country music. Both of these things are crazy, unpredictable, politically charged events that happened in 2016. And that’s it! The rest of the year was normal and v v chill. Unlike my blessed father I won’t humble-brag my way through a list of my accomplishments, just straight brag-brag my way through them. I graduated from DePaul in June with my Master’s in History. I also beat Witcher 3, a video game. These are the two things I did this year. I also run a website that mostly publishes articles about how the Beatles are Trash but also sometimes important things too.

Zach: Here’s the first 9 months of my year in one sentence: I lived in my parents’ basement and delivered food for a start-up app company and performed some stand-up comedy and occasionally traveled to visit friends in cool places and then I got surgery on my hand. Or in other words, I was a millennial. Pretty boring stuff, to be honest. Oh, I also did Crossfit for a lot of that, but due to previous statements of mine and a dislike for the taste of crow, I won’t be saying anything else on that matter. After the first nine months, I finally had enough money saved up to move out of my parent’s place and head to Chicago, IL. Currently, I work nights at a International Hostel downtown, which has its good parts and its bad parts but I’m enjoying it for the most part. I’m also taking improv comedy lessons, teaching myself how to code, and sleeping a lot. I also definitely did not sign up for a socialist organization after the presidential election.

    Well, that’s that, folks. Another successful Miller Shearer Christmas Letter. Please notice that we are using the word “Christmas.” Know that we are not in any way affiliated with a so called “War on Christmas.” We aren’t using “Happy Holidays” or other inclusive language that would allow our non-Christian brothers and sisters to feel loved during the holiday season. We would never have “HAPPY HOLIDAYS” in our xmas letter. We aren’t heathens.

    May you have a joyous year ahead of you. Please don’t report us.

Miller Shearer Christmas Letter 2015

Miller Shearer Christmas Letter 2015

(A Note To The Reader from the Miller Shearer’s Personal Butler/Valet/Chef/Sommelier/DJ, “This letter is best enjoyed with a Pinot Noir from the Saint-Julien appellation of the Bordeaux region in France. I also recommend turning on Future’s classic album DS2 while you enjoy the following words. Thank you.”)

Hello, Family, Real Friends, and Internet Friends (in that order) of the Miller Shearers,

It is good to see you again, probably. Honestly it is impossible to tell who is reading this. It could be some real jerk bag^[1] like Robert Byrd or Thomas Jefferson or Donal Logue. Donal knows what he did. If you are one of the three previously mentioned people feel free to burn in a fire. Everyone else is cool and should not jump into a fire. Unless you want to; don’t let this letter stop you from living your life. You do you.

Congrats on not throwing yourself into a fire!^[2] As a reward for your perseverance you get to read the rest of this letter. Honestly? It’ll probably be pretty dope.^[3] Just as a quick reward for you continuing to stick around, here a few things you’re going to see in the next couple of lines: an apology from either Tobin or Cheryl for the flippant tone, Zach or Dylan saying as little about themselves as possible, and a hidden recipe for a truly transcendent mushroom risotto. See if you can find all three!!

Cheryl: Warm Christmas greetings everyone.  Warmer than what was expressed earlier in this letter.  (you can read that as an apology)  oops, was I not supposed to point it out?  Anyway, Big changes occurred in the Miller Shearer home place.  As of last May we have a new address in Missoula (405 Agnes Ave., Missoula, MT 59801) and the house and yard to go with it.  Tobin and I love the space and neighborhood and being able to host people without squeezing them into small spaces.  Sadly, we said goodbye to Casper the Friendly Cat but I am looking into getting a pair of kittens in the very near future so that Jenny has someone to keep her company when we are gone.  And because … kittens. 

Perhaps this next part doesn’t belong in this otherwise dope letter but it’s been a year full of some pretty terrible things happening in this country and the world.  It’s easy to blame others and feel hopeless amidst it all, and believe me, I have.  I just hope that I and all of us, can live into the promise of Peace and Goodwill to all in the coming year.

Tobin: Cheryl has already mentioned the really big new in our lives - a new house and, in the next number of days apparently, new kittens. Note the plural here. We had one cat before; we are now going to have (at least) two kittens. I was informed of this plurality. I was not consulted. But, I am delighted by whatever delights the love of my life - we’ll be celebrating 29 years on December 21. Otherwise, we continue to enjoy Missoula and are blessed by a wonderful circle of friends and colleagues. I gain much fulfillment from serving as Director of African-American Studies at UM (now in my 8th year) but am also looking for a sabbatical coming up this spring. Although the University is facing some very difficult times right now, we remain hopeful that with so many good people investing their energies in the institution things will eventually improve. Finally, we have lots of guest space at our new home so please do come and visit us.

Dylan: This section is currently being written during a football game between the Patriots and the Broncos. Both of these teams are trash. Did you need to know that? No. But hey, maybe one day you will be involved in some sort of generations spanning, globe-trotting plot to save the world that requires you to know this information. Other information you might need to know to save the world from being destroyed by the Illuminati? I’m in grad school at DePaul for history. Sometimes I perform improv comedy. I work occasionally. You can make a simple battery with two wires and a potato. Sound travels farther in cold weather. Good luck on saving the world from the Freemasons.

Zach: Hello folks. I'd like to thank my parents and brother for being lovely opening acts to the main event of this letter: me! This year I was once again totally awesome, interesting, and handsome which makes for 20 years of me being those things, out of 23 total (Curse you, puberty!). However, after 19 years of great success, I felt that it was time for something new so, for the 20th go-around, I decided to push myself beyond awesomeness, interestingness, and handsomeness into all-together new realms and adjectives. I tried out adventurous, hilarious, and for a brief period, I dabbled in being on fleek. Here are the results:

For the first 3 months of the year, I completed a short Americorps term with the conservation corp ACE in Arizona. I built trails and rock walls, destroyed invasive species, and generally had a rousing good time with new friends in beautiful places. In fact, I had such a good time it (mostly) made up for them paying me very little. As it turns out, I enjoyed not getting paid so much that I just decided to go all in and attempt a thru-hike of the Appalachian Trail where the pay is even lower. Some of you might be wondering why I used the verb "attempt." Didn't I finish it, you might ask? Did I fail to hike all 2189.2 miles starting in Georgia and ending in Maine? Did I die along the way? Nope! I used "attempt" as a ruse to build narrative tension, knowing all along that I actually crushed the crap outta that trail. Hiked the whole thing in less than 6 months and had a blast doing it. Booyah! Now, I'm living with my parents in Missoula, MT, plotting out ways with which I can continue being totally awesome, interesting, and handsome, and maybe also make some money at the same time. If you have any ideas/job offers, feel free to hit me up because this whole living with parents thing is threatening my mojo. Haha. But seriously. Hit me up. Merry Christmas, ya'll.

And there you have it, the Miller Shearer 2015. It is frankly stunning there aren’t more stories about how adding kale makes most casseroles taste better, or public service announcements informing us that those dang jalapenos are just too spicy. Good on us for only being painfully white and not devastatingly white. It takes all kinds.

In lieu of the usual out-of-place song quote^[4] here are some advanced stats for the Miller Shearers to fill up space at the end of the letter.

XFXFD (Crossfits Crossfitted) – Who Cares?

IJM (Inappropriate Jokes Made by Dylan and Zach) – Countless

ABV+ (average beer variance plus) – 14

DONALDTRUMPISARACIST – True

DZWAR (Who will win the eternal war between brothers) – This war will never end and will eventually consume the world

AMT SPT/TWT (amount of times Spotify/Twitter were checked during the writing of this ) – 2/203

Happy Christmas, and as always, Jesus was born in May.

---

^[1] You can substitute a more NSFW word here if you want too. Play around with it, have fun. The world is your oyster. It’ll be fun I promise.

^[2] This is a reference to the previous paragraph. Are you not reading this in order? How post-modern of you. Non-linear storytelling is actually quite interesting. Oh you think so too? Sure, I’d love to get coffee sometime and discuss story structure. You’re free right now? Well, my favorite example of in media res is obviously Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. Oh that’s a framed narrative? Well, I guess I’m just a big dumb idiot that doesn’t know anything. Wait, don’t leave. We can talk about The Odyssey!!!!!

^[3] Lit, fire, popping, killer, cool, dank, balling, three 100 emojis

^[4] “I like us better when we’re wasted” – DJ Tiesto

Miller Shearer Family Christmas letter 2013

*Slow fade from black; Earth is visible from far away

Music Cue: Beginning strains of “Ride of The Valkyries” start to rise up

*1.5x speed zoom begins; the outline of North America becomes just visible

SMASH CUT TO (in quick succession): time-lapse of rose blooming/blood-red sun rising in the Sahara/flying squirrel slow motion jump/guitarist raising rock fist in front of 1,000s of fans/360 helicopter shot of the Jesus sculpture in Rio De Janeiro/gazelle being taken by pack of cheetahs

Music Cue: “Ride of the Valkyries” should be at full peak during guitarist portion

Screen fades to black on cheetahs devouring the gazelle as “Ride of The Valkyries” phases out.

15 Seconds of black

Music Cue: The air horn noise from rap songs (Foever ft. Eminem, Drake, Lil Wayne, and Kayne West has it, for example.)

Title Card: THE SHEARER FAMILY CHRISTMAS LETTER 2k13!

Narration v.o.: (Morgan Freeman v.)

            And so it begins. As a simple seed or a dust mote being pushed around our vast cosmos. Having no control over where or when in goes. Unaware of its place in the universe or its destiny among the rock stars and icons of our world. Its status as the most fearsome of creatures, completely unknown. And then it erupts. Emerges from hibernation to make its annual climb from the deepest depths of the imagination to the top of the world. It is: THE SHEARER FAMILY CHRISTMAS LETTER OF 2013. Rejoice! For it is with us. And It Is Benevolent! ALL HAIL ITS MAJESTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aww, thanks Mr. Freeman, one of America’s many treasures and premiere actors who totally reads this – that was very nice. We send our thanks and blessings upon you this holiday season. Say hi to the family for us and give Rover a bone, will ya! We sure did love the time we spent with you in Maine this summer.

As for the rest of you, well, I’m sure you’re having a wonderful time or whatever blabbity blah.

Now, on to the good part; i.e., what the Miller Shearers did this year. Indeed, as is usually the case, we stayed true to tradition this year. Our last twelve months were filled with close encounters with the third kind, rappelling down cliff sides, general jet setting, various exotica, positions of power in the shadow government and the occasional brush with death. Also your plain old basic mayhem. Here to explain themselves are the members of clan Miller Shearer:

Dad: Someone recently asked me what I would do if I wasn’t a professor. I had a lame response. I don’t want to do anything else. This past year I’ve gotten to work with non-traditional students in classes for those 50 and older, with first year students in an intro to honors course, and with a doctoral student who has come to UM to work with me. How cool. I also got to give a paper at an international conference in the Dominican Republic, work with Humanities Montana as a member of their board, and talk about teaching and history and religion and race with excellent, supportive colleagues. It has likewise been a delight to hang out with our sons on trips to VA, PA, and UT. They are funny, insightful, and wonderful men. And then I also get to be married to the most beautiful, intelligent, and droll woman in the world. I am grateful. May this letter find you fulfilled with purpose and delight in the midst of this all too often broken world.

Mom: I have consistently been told that I offer the most boring paragraph to this wonder of a Christmas letter so, don’t worry, I’ll keep it short. The problem is, I feel like I should say what my year was actually like - which is to say, fairly boring. My work is the same - case management. (Though it’s been a difficult year due to budget cuts in an already barebones program for individuals with significant needs.) Oh, Montana. My house is the same, though, it is nice to have Dylan cooking for us, I mean, living with us. I had a great weekend when 3 good friends visited Glacier Park. (Shout out to Jill, Cheryl, and Rhonda!) I read good books, walked the dog, even tried doing a boot camp for a while, met with a weekly supper club and another weekly women’s group, and generally enjoyed people’s company. Merry Christmas, dear friends and family. May your lives be filled with joy and hope and love.

Dylan: Hey so I’m sure everyone’s been wondering what the ol’ Dillsters been up to! No you haven’t? That’s probably good, because well, Dillster is generally not the preferred nickname and sure as hell better not stick around. I’m looking at you dear reader. Anyways, not much in the way of news around here. I graduated from college in May and have yet to find stable full-time employment. So if ya hear of anything, preferably in a big city, just let me know. I’ll do anything from bar tending to hedge fund managing. Though absolutely no zookeeping. That’s entirely out of the picture. Everything, of course, is not doom and gloom. I’ve started cooking a lot more and have declared myself the best cook in the Miller Shearer household. This naturally, has remained unchallenged, and so I’d like everyone to call me Chef Dylan from now on. I expect to have my own Food Network show by 2015.

Zach: True story: I actually did rappel down cliff sides while I was in Australia this year – so Dylan's only a partial liar. I was there on student exchange for about 5 months, from February to July, mostly in a small town called Wagga Wagga, but I did some travelling around as well. Met a lot of Aussies, played tons of ultimate Frisbee, saw loads of kangaroos, got super sick for about 3 weeks – it was a blast. Now I'm back in Missoula, Montana, finishing up my bachelor's degree in Creative Writing. I should graduate this coming May. I’ve also been working part-time at the library this semester, as well as living off campus in a house with three friends. Money seems to emerge from the former and then disappear directly into the latter. Despite that, I've really enjoyed myself this last year. Have a great holiday, everyone.

And so concludes this latest entry in the oeuvre of the Miller Shearer Christmas Letter. To wit: “Patience is but a virtue; the real fun comes in the waiting” – No one, but it sure sounded smart as hell didn’t it? Take it away Morgan.

Music Cue: Vivaldi’s “Winter” from “The Four Seasons” swells to the forefront.

Narration: And there you have it. Fully formed, a thing impossible to behold in just one glance, yet contained on a single sheet of paper. Forever affecting the universe after instantly sprouting from mere cosmic dust. A symphony of beauty arising from the cacophony of the void. Eternal even in its brevity, raising questions that will be left unanswered long after our life star Sol has voided the last vestiges of the photons that gave our planet a voice. The Miller Shearer Family Christmas Letter of 2013. Until Next Time

SMASH CUT TO (in quick succession): Sun setting over the Sahara/Great Horned Owl soaring above the tundra/dead mice being eaten by a cobra/frozen basketball nets/lonely ice skater performing triple axels on an empty pond/slowly emptying Times Square as night comes on/waves slowly breaking on an empty pier/an iceberg falling into the Atlantic/a single tear slowly runs down the cheek of an old Albanian woman

Slowly fade to black as the Vivaldi piece ends. End Title: FIN

45 second pause

Roll Credits to the Spin Doctor’s “Two Princes” (Director’s Note: Make sure to include ALL THE OUTTAKES!)

Shearer Christmas Letter 2012

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Welcome, family and friends.

Welcome to our annual phantasmagoric letter.

Welcome to our tetchy tetrarchy.

Welcome to your dreams.

This is...

THE SHEARER FAMILY CHRISTMAS LETTER

Copyright 2012 © ѽ

            Well, now that I’ve got that obscenely pretentious opening out of my system, let’s begin.

            We’ll start in Missoula, Montana, a gentle valley surrounded by glorious mountains and running with 3 babbling rivers. When you walk out into the morning sun, you’re greeted by waltzing deer and singing blue birds. And, ‘Oh! What’s that?’ Why, it’s a fuzzy kitty and/or puppy purring at your feet. Ahhh, life in the West. How simple, how darling, how picturesque! The Shearer family sits around their dining room table, laughing heartily and enjoying a scrumptious meal.

            “Gee wonkilers!” exclaims Dylan, the oldest son of two – age 22, “I’m such a klutz. I knocked over my glass of delicious and nutritious milk. Sorry everybody, I'll get a towel to clean it up.”

            “Well, I’ll be, that reminds me of the time when we went to see the cow farm with milking robots this summer at the Miller family reunion! At least, all of us but Dylan! Because he was in training for his job,” remarks Papa Tobin – age ‘super old.’

            “What a good memory that was,” adds Mama Cheryl – age ‘I probably shouldn’t go there,’ “In fact, let’s all go around and remember what our year was like.”

            “I’ll go first,” volunteers Zach, the ever obedient and talented, yet devilishly witty and smart, younger son – age 20. “I spent most of my year as a student at the University of Montana. I’m now a Junior and I’m studying Creative Writing. I get a lot of questions from people like, ‘Oh? And what are you going to do with that?’ or ‘What do you plan on doing after college?’ I understand - we English major types often end up sifting through dumpsters, delivering pizzas, and muttering to ourselves about the meaning of farts in Chaucer’s Miller's Tale. But, creative writing is something I like and I’ve been in a dumpster before and it turned out to be rather cozy.

            “I also spent the year working as a Resident Assistant in the dorms. Even over the summer I kept working, dedicating myself to herding freshmen. Sometimes they can be nice, but they’re mostly just dumb. They think they’re smarter than me, but if you’re gonna say something smug to me in passing one night, you should probably make sure you aren’t locked out of your room first. Anyway, I’m not an RA anymore. I had to quit because I’m studying abroad in Australia next semester. Hooray!

            “I’ll just end with a few things of interest. We had a big back packing trip (Dylan not included) with our supper club friends to Utah. Dad doesn’t know this, but when we drove there and he was asleep in the car, I definitely went over 95 MPH. I also had a short story published in our campus lit mag this spring, anal probing was mentioned in it. I read all of the Game of Thrones books this summer. And I’ve developed a taste for mustard. That's about all I’ve got.”

            “I’ll try to go next but that will be hard to follow,” says Dylan, “But not really, I’ve been doing this whole Christmas letter deal for a lot longer then this here Zach kid. A year longer to be precise. Which is like a decade in the Christmas letter biz, and this whole thing is getting weirdly meta so I’m going to just tell you about my year, but in a snarky ironic way. Because that’s how this works. In what is perhaps the biggest news to come from the Dylan Shearer Esq. front in years, I was able to go to Brussles, Belgium, and Dublin, Ireland, for 9 weeks this summer to ‘study’ and ‘learn important cultural lessons.’ Neither of those are code words for ‘study not at all’ and ‘learn important cultural lessons about beer.’ Especially not when I was in Dublin. During the actual school year I continued at the University of Montana and got promoted to the Assistant Head Resident of Elrod/Duniway Halls. This means I can tell people I have a secretary and it’s nominally true. I also start my last semester of college in January where I’ll be student teaching at Hellgate Highschool, which only has half as many demons as you would think.”

            Papa Tobin, who was previously staring at the table and furiously thinking of ways to incorporate Crossfit into his year’s memory, looks up and begins to somehow tell his part as dorkily as possible.

            “It was a good year overall, my beloved family. I got to work out at Crossfit Emergence five times a week, be back in the classroom teaching after having the spring semester off to finish a book, and really enjoyed working with colleagues at the university on a bunch of cool committees. I also continued serving as an elder at First Presybterian and anticipate a new assignment on the board of Humanities Montana in the coming year. And, oh dear and cherished ones who are the very delight of my heart, I even did my first handstand pushups in Crossfit. Did I mention earlier that I’m doing Crossfit? Let me tell you about today’s workout.”

But before he can start yammering on about how he grunted and lifted things for an hour, Mama Cheryl interjects with a roll of her eyes, “I suppose that means it’s my turn.” She continues, “First of all, I’d just like to say Merry Christmas to our friends far and near. In spite of the general tone of this letter, we want to honor these relationships that keep us going.  OK, now on to the rest. The big change in my life this year was the adoption of a dog we call Jenny. The boys call her my empty nest dog, but she is my ticket to exercise as she takes me for walks twice a day. Jenny is a Rottweiler, lab, retriever mix according to the shelter, and she is devoted to me, if not the rest of my family, or to Casper the friendly cat. My work as a nurse case manager for people with a mental illness or physical disability continues as before- except busier.  We welcomed some guests this summer and would love to see any of you if you make your way to Missoula during the coming year.”

            As Mama Cheryl’s words fade away into silence, the Shearer family realizes that the night has grown quite late. As they exchange good nights and prepare for bed, questions hang over their heads. What will happen in 2013? Will Dylan find a job? Will Zach survive Australia? Will Mama and Papa continue to do their thang? Will the next Game of Thrones book live up to expectations? Why hasn’t anybody invented teleportation yet? What on earth is Dylan doing in the bathroom that’s taking so long?

            All these questions, and more, pester the Shearer family, but, nevertheless, tomorrow they will wake up and face another day. They will continue to move ahead, striving for happiness and meaning and love and peace and fresh, minty breath. The harsh realities of the world may provide obstacles (like heart break or anchovies) for these goals, but the Shearers will continue to persevere. The Shearers will always persevere. ALWAYS.

            And that’s the end. Thanks for reading this year’s edition. Hope you liked it. Happy Holidays, everyone!