*Slow fade from black;
Earth is visible from far away
Music
Cue: Beginning strains of “Ride of The Valkyries” start to rise up
*1.5x speed zoom
begins; the outline of North America becomes just visible
SMASH
CUT TO (in quick succession): time-lapse of rose blooming/blood-red sun rising
in the Sahara/flying squirrel slow motion jump/guitarist raising rock fist in
front of 1,000s of fans/360 helicopter shot of the Jesus sculpture in Rio De Janeiro/gazelle
being taken by pack of cheetahs
Music
Cue: “Ride of the Valkyries” should be at full peak during guitarist portion
Screen fades to black
on cheetahs devouring the gazelle as “Ride of The Valkyries” phases out.
15
Seconds of black
Music Cue: The air horn
noise from rap songs (Foever ft. Eminem, Drake, Lil Wayne, and Kayne West has
it, for example.)
Title
Card: THE SHEARER FAMILY CHRISTMAS
LETTER 2k13!
Narration v.o.: (Morgan Freeman v.)
And so it begins. As a simple seed or a dust
mote being pushed around our vast cosmos. Having no control over where or when
in goes. Unaware of its place in the universe or its destiny among the rock
stars and icons of our world. Its status as the most fearsome of creatures,
completely unknown. And then it erupts. Emerges from hibernation to make its
annual climb from the deepest depths of the imagination to the top of the
world. It is: THE SHEARER FAMILY CHRISTMAS LETTER OF 2013. Rejoice! For it is
with us. And It Is Benevolent! ALL HAIL ITS MAJESTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aww, thanks Mr.
Freeman, one of America’s many treasures and premiere actors who totally reads
this – that was very nice. We send our thanks and blessings upon you this
holiday season. Say hi to the family for us and give Rover a bone, will ya! We
sure did love the time we spent with you in Maine this summer.
As for the rest of
you, well, I’m sure you’re having a wonderful time or whatever blabbity blah.
Now, on to the good
part; i.e., what the Miller Shearers did this year. Indeed, as is usually the
case, we stayed true to tradition this year. Our last twelve months were filled
with close encounters with the third kind, rappelling down cliff sides, general
jet setting, various exotica, positions of power in the shadow government and
the occasional brush with death. Also your plain old basic mayhem. Here to
explain themselves are the members of clan Miller Shearer:
Dad: Someone recently asked me what I would do if I wasn’t a professor. I
had a lame response. I don’t want to do anything else. This past year I’ve
gotten to work with non-traditional students in classes for those 50 and older,
with first year students in an intro to honors course, and with a doctoral
student who has come to UM to work with me. How cool. I also got to give a
paper at an international conference in the Dominican Republic, work with
Humanities Montana as a member of their board, and talk about teaching and
history and religion and race with excellent, supportive colleagues. It has likewise
been a delight to hang out with our sons on trips to VA, PA, and UT. They are
funny, insightful, and wonderful men. And then I also get to be married to the
most beautiful, intelligent, and droll woman in the world. I am grateful. May
this letter find you fulfilled with purpose and delight in the midst of this
all too often broken world.
Mom: I have consistently been told that I offer the most boring paragraph
to this wonder of a Christmas letter so, don’t worry, I’ll keep it short. The
problem is, I feel like I should say what my year was actually like - which is
to say, fairly boring. My work is the same - case management. (Though it’s
been a difficult year due to budget cuts in an already barebones program for
individuals with significant needs.) Oh, Montana. My house is the same,
though, it is nice to have Dylan cooking for us, I mean, living with us. I
had a great weekend when 3 good friends visited Glacier Park. (Shout out to
Jill, Cheryl, and Rhonda!) I read good books, walked the dog, even tried doing
a boot camp for a while, met with a weekly supper club and another weekly
women’s group, and generally enjoyed people’s company. Merry Christmas, dear
friends and family. May your lives be filled with joy and hope and love.
Dylan: Hey so I’m sure everyone’s been wondering what the ol’ Dillsters been
up to! No you haven’t? That’s probably good, because well, Dillster is
generally not the preferred nickname and sure as hell better not stick around. I’m
looking at you dear reader. Anyways, not much in the way of news around here. I
graduated from college in May and have yet to find stable full-time employment.
So if ya hear of anything, preferably in a big city, just let me know. I’ll do
anything from bar tending to hedge fund managing. Though absolutely no
zookeeping. That’s entirely out of the picture. Everything, of course, is not
doom and gloom. I’ve started cooking a lot more and have declared myself the
best cook in the Miller Shearer household. This naturally, has remained
unchallenged, and so I’d like everyone to call me Chef Dylan from now on. I
expect to have my own Food Network show by 2015.
Zach: True story: I actually did rappel down cliff sides while I was in
Australia this year – so Dylan's only a partial liar. I was there on student
exchange for about 5 months, from February to July, mostly in a small town
called Wagga Wagga, but I did some travelling around as well. Met a lot of
Aussies, played tons of ultimate Frisbee, saw loads of kangaroos, got super
sick for about 3 weeks – it was a blast. Now I'm back in Missoula, Montana,
finishing up my bachelor's degree in Creative Writing. I should graduate this
coming May. I’ve also been working part-time at the library this semester, as
well as living off campus in a house with three friends. Money seems to emerge
from the former and then disappear directly into the latter. Despite that, I've
really enjoyed myself this last year. Have a great holiday, everyone.
And so concludes
this latest entry in the oeuvre of the Miller Shearer Christmas Letter. To wit:
“Patience is but a virtue; the real fun comes in the waiting” – No one, but it
sure sounded smart as hell didn’t it? Take it away Morgan.
Music Cue: Vivaldi’s “Winter” from “The Four
Seasons” swells to the forefront.
Narration: And there you have it. Fully formed, a thing impossible to behold in
just one glance, yet contained on a single sheet of paper. Forever affecting
the universe after instantly sprouting from mere cosmic dust. A symphony of
beauty arising from the cacophony of the void. Eternal even in its brevity,
raising questions that will be left unanswered long after our life star Sol has
voided the last vestiges of the photons that gave our planet a voice. The
Miller Shearer Family Christmas Letter of 2013. Until Next Time
SMASH CUT TO (in quick succession): Sun
setting over the Sahara/Great Horned Owl soaring above the tundra/dead mice
being eaten by a cobra/frozen basketball nets/lonely ice skater performing
triple axels on an empty pond/slowly emptying Times Square as night comes
on/waves slowly breaking on an empty pier/an iceberg falling into the Atlantic/a
single tear slowly runs down the cheek of an old Albanian woman
Slowly fade to black as the Vivaldi piece
ends. End Title: FIN
45 second pause
Roll Credits to the Spin Doctor’s “Two
Princes” (Director’s Note:
Make sure to include ALL THE OUTTAKES!)
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