Miller Shearer Christmas Letter 2015
(A Note To The Reader
from the Miller Shearer’s Personal Butler/Valet/Chef/Sommelier/DJ, “This letter
is best enjoyed with a Pinot Noir from the Saint-Julien appellation of the
Bordeaux region in France. I also recommend turning on Future’s classic album DS2
while you enjoy the following words. Thank you.”)
Hello, Family, Real Friends, and Internet Friends (in that
order) of the Miller Shearers,
It is good to see you again, probably. Honestly it is
impossible to tell who is reading this. It could be some real jerk bag[1] like
Robert Byrd or Thomas Jefferson or Donal Logue. Donal knows what he did. If you
are one of the three previously mentioned people feel free to burn in a fire.
Everyone else is cool and should not jump into a fire. Unless you want to; don’t
let this letter stop you from living your life. You do you.
Congrats on not throwing yourself into a fire![2] As a
reward for your perseverance you get to read the rest of this letter. Honestly?
It’ll probably be pretty dope.[3] Just
as a quick reward for you continuing to stick around, here a few things you’re
going to see in the next couple of lines: an apology from either Tobin or
Cheryl for the flippant tone, Zach or Dylan saying as little about themselves
as possible, and a hidden recipe for a truly transcendent mushroom risotto. See
if you can find all three!!
Cheryl: Warm Christmas greetings everyone. Warmer than what was expressed earlier in
this letter. (you can read that as an
apology) oops, was I not supposed to
point it out? Anyway, Big changes
occurred in the Miller Shearer home place.
As of last May we have a new address in Missoula (405 Agnes Ave.,
Missoula, MT 59801) and the house and yard to go with it. Tobin and I love the space and neighborhood
and being able to host people without squeezing them into small spaces. Sadly, we said goodbye to Casper the Friendly
Cat but I am looking into getting a pair of kittens in the very near future so
that Jenny has someone to keep her company when we are gone. And because … kittens.
Perhaps this next part doesn’t belong in this otherwise dope
letter but it’s been a year full of some pretty terrible things happening in
this country and the world. It’s easy to
blame others and feel hopeless amidst it all, and believe me, I have. I just hope that I and all of us, can live
into the promise of Peace and Goodwill to all in the coming year.
Tobin: Cheryl has
already mentioned the really big new in our lives - a new house and, in the
next number of days apparently, new kittens. Note the plural here. We had one
cat before; we are now going to have (at least) two kittens. I was informed of
this plurality. I was not consulted. But, I am delighted by whatever delights
the love of my life - we’ll be celebrating 29 years on December 21. Otherwise,
we continue to enjoy Missoula and are blessed by a wonderful circle of friends
and colleagues. I gain much fulfillment from serving as Director of
African-American Studies at UM (now in my 8th year) but am also looking for a
sabbatical coming up this spring. Although the University is facing some very
difficult times right now, we remain hopeful that with so many good people
investing their energies in the institution things will eventually improve.
Finally, we have lots of guest space at our new home so please do come and
visit us.
Dylan: This section
is currently being written during a football game between the Patriots and the
Broncos. Both of these teams are trash. Did you need to know that? No. But hey,
maybe one day you will be involved in some sort of generations spanning,
globe-trotting plot to save the world that requires you to know this
information. Other information you might need to know to save the world from
being destroyed by the Illuminati? I’m in grad school at DePaul for history.
Sometimes I perform improv comedy. I work occasionally. You can make a simple
battery with two wires and a potato. Sound travels farther in cold weather.
Good luck on saving the world from the Freemasons.
Zach: Hello folks.
I'd like to thank my parents and brother for being lovely opening acts to the
main event of this letter: me! This year I was once again totally awesome,
interesting, and handsome which makes for 20 years of me being those things,
out of 23 total (Curse you, puberty!). However, after 19 years of great
success, I felt that it was time for something new so, for the 20th go-around,
I decided to push myself beyond awesomeness, interestingness, and handsomeness
into all-together new realms and adjectives. I tried out adventurous,
hilarious, and for a brief period, I dabbled in being on fleek. Here are the
results:
For the first 3 months of the year, I completed a short
Americorps term with the conservation corp ACE in Arizona. I built trails and
rock walls, destroyed invasive species, and generally had a rousing good time
with new friends in beautiful places. In fact, I had such a good time it
(mostly) made up for them paying me very little. As it turns out, I enjoyed not
getting paid so much that I just decided to go all in and attempt a thru-hike
of the Appalachian Trail where the pay is even lower. Some of you might be
wondering why I used the verb "attempt." Didn't I finish it, you
might ask? Did I fail to hike all 2189.2 miles starting in Georgia and ending
in Maine? Did I die along the way? Nope! I used "attempt" as a ruse
to build narrative tension, knowing all along that I actually crushed the crap
outta that trail. Hiked the whole thing in less than 6 months and had a blast
doing it. Booyah! Now, I'm living with my parents in Missoula, MT, plotting out
ways with which I can continue being totally awesome, interesting, and
handsome, and maybe also make some money at the same time. If you have any
ideas/job offers, feel free to hit me up because this whole living with parents
thing is threatening my mojo. Haha. But seriously. Hit me up. Merry Christmas,
ya'll.
And there you have it, the Miller Shearer 2015. It is frankly
stunning there aren’t more stories about how adding kale makes most casseroles
taste better, or public service announcements informing us that those dang
jalapenos are just too spicy. Good on us for only being painfully white and not
devastatingly white. It takes all kinds.
In lieu of the usual out-of-place song quote[4] here
are some advanced stats for the Miller Shearers to fill up space at the end of
the letter.
XFXFD (Crossfits Crossfitted) – Who Cares?
IJM (Inappropriate Jokes Made by Dylan and Zach) – Countless
ABV+ (average beer variance plus) – 14
DONALDTRUMPISARACIST – True
DZWAR (Who will win the eternal war between brothers) – This
war will never end and will eventually consume the world
AMT SPT/TWT (amount of times Spotify/Twitter were checked
during the writing of this ) – 2/203
Happy Christmas, and as always, Jesus was born in May.
[1] You
can substitute a more NSFW word here if you want too. Play around with it, have
fun. The world is your oyster. It’ll be fun I promise.
[2] This
is a reference to the previous paragraph. Are you not reading this in order?
How post-modern of you. Non-linear storytelling is actually quite interesting.
Oh you think so too? Sure, I’d love to get coffee sometime and discuss story
structure. You’re free right now? Well, my favorite example of in media res is
obviously Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein.
Oh that’s a framed narrative? Well, I guess I’m just a big dumb idiot that
doesn’t know anything. Wait, don’t leave. We can talk about The Odyssey!!!!!
[3] Lit,
fire, popping, killer, cool, dank, balling, three 100 emojis
[4] “I
like us better when we’re wasted” – DJ Tiesto
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