The Annual (2020) Miller Shearer Family Holiday Letter

 

The Annual Miller Shearer Family Holiday Letter

A Shear-er Delight!

 

Seasons greetings beloved friends and family of the Miller Shearers! And, since I’m feeling generous, seasons greetings to all of you who don’t really know any of us Shearers that well but clicked on the link anyway because you saw it on Facebook and were bored and curious. You’re loved too. Not as loved as the people I’m talking about in the first sentence though, so don’t get any ideas.

 

The Shearer family committee (aka Zach) in charge of the 2020 Annual Miller Shearer Family Holiday Letter (AMSFHL) spent long hours hard at work over Zoom calls trying to come up with a fresh take on the letter for 2020. We wanted something new. Something bold. A game-changing letter. Something that would make all you readers think, “Wow, Zach is the Lebron James of writing holiday letters. Maybe 2020 wasn’t that bad after all.”

 

So we racked our brains. We considered re-branding and going with a market-researched minimalist approach for the AMSFHL where instead of a letter we just sent out a word cloud of Shearer family correspondence in 2020. In the end we decided that approach didn’t have enough heart and would ultimately disappoint the readers and also confuse them as to why “guillotine” was so big and bold. 

 

Then we considered an approach that would appeal to the key Zoomer demographic, where the AMSFHL would, instead of being a letter, be a Tik Tok of all of us dancing to Korean boy band BTS. However, if you’ve ever seen my father dance, you understand why we nixed that idea.

 

 

Finally, we realized that the true recipe to the past success of the AMSFHL was teamwork. All of our voices combined into one truly special letter that brings joy to everyone who reads it. Now, if you’re the Lebron James of writing holiday letters, how do you improve your letter writing team to guarantee a championship? Well, you would trade away the weak links and convince a couple of all stars to sign on. Unfortunately I can’t trade away my family members for better letter writers so I decided to do the next best thing and give them designated questions to answer to ensure that their sections of the AMSFHL are both meaningful and entertaining. 

 

Without further ado, please enjoy this truly top notch AMSFHL. Happy Holidays family and friends and other internet people!

 

Mother/Cheryl

What’s your sign?

Aquarius - the best sign.

 

What are 3 things you accomplished this year that you're proud of?

I’m working on developing practices which improve resiliency. I took a class that was offered through my work and - for those of you who know me - this is a stretch. I’ve tried to maintain relationships with family and friends during, you know, a pandemic. I’ve used my superpower of turning left-overs into delicious food to good effect. I don’t think any of these things are actual “accomplishments.” Just, you know, getting through. 

 

Favorite TV Show/Movie you watched in 2020?

Tiger King, Hamilton and all the seasons of Last Tango in Halifax. (I will admit to becoming a 2020 cliché in several areas - Netflix binge watching is one of them. See below for another.)

 

Rice, Potatoes, Pasta, Bread. You have to remove one of these carbs entirely from your diet. What do you pick?

Wow, any of those would be harsh.  Probably pasta. I mean, you can make fake pasta out of zucchini or spaghetti squash, right? 

 

What are you hopeful for going into 2021?

I am hopeful that people will get vaccinated for COVID, and we can safely get together with family and friends. There has been some amazing art done this year. I’m hopeful that people will continue with the positive things they have started this year. 

 

Favorite drink that got you through the year?

Red wine (see note above about being a 2020 cliché).

 

Hypothetically, if Dylan and I were hanging off a cliff and you could only save one of us, who would you save?

Why are you hanging off a cliff? What is the matter with you boys? Can’t I leave you alone for even 5 seconds? Get your butts back up here right now!

 

Anything else you’d like to let the fans know?

I’m grateful for my amazing husband and our sons and their partners.  Also friends to go camping with in the summer and a fireplace to sit next to in the winter. May you all enjoy a happy holiday season. Wear a mask when going out! 

 

Father/Tobin

 

What’s your sign?

Yields are pretty cool. So are Pedestrian crossings. But my all-time fav is a good old Stop. Definitive. Octagonal. Helpful to all. 

 

What are 3 things you accomplished this year that you're proud of? (None of them can be Crossfit related)

Starting up Widerstand Consulting with Cheryl (and our amazing team of board members, trainers, and auditors) and bringing in over $50,000 to support the work of anti-racism through those efforts. Finishing and submitting a new book manuscript on the role of religious resources and social change movements. Teaching a new class called “God: past, puzzle, present” to a group of 30 amazing students.

 

Favorite TV Show/Movie you watched in 2020?

A tie between The Mandalorian and The Derry Girls. 

 

Is a hotdog a sandwich?

Only on Tuesdays. 

 

What are you hopeful for going into 2021?

An effective and justly distributed COVID vaccine, a new presidential administration, and getting to work with colleagues both inside and outside the academy in the ongoing work of dismantling racism and white supremacy.

 

Favorite drink that got you through the year?

Chocolate milk (after doing my daily ZOOM workout in the garage – which is actually not CrossFit anymore but rather MontanaFit because the owners of our local CrossFit gym left the brand after CrossFit’s founder said some crazy racist nonsense. Shout out to Ian and Jesse and the rest of the crew at my gym. Proud of you all.)

 

Hypothetically, now that marijuana is legal in both Illinois and Montana, would you try a very low, manageable amount with Dylan and me next time we see you? We could even get it in edible form or in like a soda or something so you wouldn’t even have to smoke it or anything.

Hypothetically speaking, no. I’m just too much of a goody two shoes.

 

Anything else you’d like to let the fans know?

We are so proud of our sons and their partners for being awesome and continuing to let us be part of their lives. Thanks to you four. We love you.

 

Brother/Dylan

 

What’s your sign?

Similar to Beyoncé, I am a Virgo. Also similar to Beyoncé I have released several best-selling albums and am considered the “Queen of Pop.”

 

What are 3 things you accomplished this year that you're proud of?

I got to move in with my wonderful girlfriend Sarah, and adopt a dog, Mars, with her. I loved every second of it, and living with her has made that pandemic one thousand times more bearable. Coming in a far third place I passed my comprehensive exams, a big step toward getting my PhD. Sorry there’s no jokes here. 

 

Favorite TV Show/Movie you watched in 2020?

TV shows and movies are of course for the uneducated hoi polloi. I watch film and cinema. I really enjoyed dragging Sarah to see 2001: A Space Odyssey for one of the last things we did pre-pandemic. I also really liked Palm Springs, and The Lighthouse. TV show wise, I really enjoyed my annual re-watch of Happy Endings. Great show. 

 

How many hot dogs do you think you could eat in 30 min?

Four. Assuming we are talking about a perfectly grilled all-beef char dog absolutely dragged through the garden. 

 

What are you hopeful for going into 2021?

I am hoping that one of my Powerball tickets hits. I am hopeful that the burgeoning socialist movement in the US makes strides toward the creation of an equitable and fair society, where human life is not seen as a way to make money, but as an intrinsic good. I am also hopeful that we get to see Rudy Giuliani poop his pants on live TV. 

 

Favorite drink that got you through the year?

Eggrollnog spritzer. You take several egg rolls and smash them up into bits. Then you take a few egg yolks, froth them, and then combine the froth, and the rolls with an aperol spritz. A wonderful combo perfect for both winter AND spring. JK. The drink that got me through 2020 was the simple, wonderful, perfect, “glass of beer.”

 

How are things going with Sarah?

Great. As I mentioned earlier, we moved in together in May, and we also got a wonderful little dog. I assume I’m not putting words in her mouth here. It’s been wonderful to get to spend even more time with her and grow closer to her. Moving in with someone during a pandemic probably seemed like a dumb idea to a lot of people, but it worked for us. 

 

Who’s the toughest person that you and I could take in a fight if we teamed up on them?

Off the top of my head? On our best day, John Wick. On our worst day? Muhammad Ali in his prime.

 

Anything else you’d like to let the fans know?

The movie Monster-in-Law is currently on TV and I have a theory about how you can tell what type of character Adam Scott is playing by his haircut. DM for deets. 

 

AMSFHL Chair/Zach

 

What’s your sign?

I’m a Cancer. The best sign. Crab gang.

 

What are 3 things you accomplished this year that you're proud of?

In September I took over as Editor-in-Chief of Midwest Socialist, a small socialist magazine run out of the Chicago Democratic Socialists of America. We’ve published a number of really good essays and articles over the last few months and it's been really fulfilling work.

 

I’m proud of making it through the year without going full on video game recluse who only eats ramen for every meal and hasn’t showered in a few days. I’ve made a concerted effort to keep up with friends and family, keep myself busy, and most importantly, make sure Mimi still likes me and doesn’t think I’m a huge slob. 

 

I did a good amount of cooking this year, and I feel like I expanded my skills and ability (although I’m still not as good as Dylan or Mimi).

 

Favorite TV Show/Movie you watched in 2020?

Utopia (the British version). Don’t watch it if violence makes you squeamish. It’s a really engaging thriller that’s visually gorgeous and has a killer soundtrack as well.

 

Does pineapple belong on pizza?

Yes, absolutely. It’s a delicious addition to most pizzas and anybody who thinks otherwise needs to expand their small minds.

 

What are you hopeful for going into 2021?

While there is a lot of really bad stuff in politics right now, I’m hopeful that the socialist and Black Lives Matter movement will continue to grow in 2021 and eventually we’ll get to a point where we can make some real positive change. 

 

Favorite drink that got you through the year?

Old Style. I’m a simple guy who likes a simple beer.

 

How are things going with Mimi?

They’re going great! We’re in the same apartment that we moved into a little over a year ago. She appreciates that I’ve gotten a little better at cooking although she still doesn’t appreciate my attempts at singing. I appreciate her even better cooking and actually good singing and also the way she supports me and makes me a better person. I’m very lucky.

 

Would you rather have to live in the Marianas Trench for one year, or in deep outer space for one year?

Space, please. Way less terrifying to float around and eat astronaut ice cream in total emptiness than to be stuck in some deep hell where all types of unknown deep sea monsters could pop up at any moment. Plus, I’d still have to deal with gravity in the Trench. No thank you.

 

Anything else you’d like to let the fans know?

Thanks for reading! I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and hopefully sometime this year I get to see you in person. Maybe we’ll have a beer or a coffee or some sort of food item. It’ll be nice. If we don’t get to see each other in person, then let’s text or email sometime. 

 

And that’s that. I hope you all enjoyed getting to know our family and are now sitting in awe of the instant classic 2020 AMSFHL. In retrospect, maybe I’m not the Lebron James of writing family letters and more of a Rajon Rondo distributor type. Definitely championship level though. 

 

Happy Holidays to all! 

 

The 2019 Miller Shearer Family Christmas letter

Congrats! You have just received your copy of the Miller Shearer Meme Maker 2019 Diamond Edition! Please open carefully and follow all the instructions. This box contains highly volatile chemicals; please treat with caution. Do not mix with salt. Ages 12 and up.

(Turn very small and easily rippable page)

So you’ve decided to embark on the Miller Shearer Meme (pronounced “meem”) Challenge? The Hasbro™ Company thanks you for your dedication. Welcome to the rest of your life. To provide some assistance in your meme making, below are examples of the memes you will soon be making. Above each example is a brief description of the life of each member of the Miller Shearer family over the most recent 365-day span. Use these details to make your memes. Are you ready to achieve internet fame? Be forewarned: the memes you make will be powerful. Trust your gut.

Tobin: As is the case with my partner of nearly 33 years, I don’t quite understand the meme that follows (a bit of research on the interwebs did reveal that the Drake meme indicates disdain on the top and approval on the bottom for what that’s worth). The year was marked by a rough spring semester stemming from uncertainty at the university, a profound sojourn with Zach during the summer across 540 miles of northern Spain on the Camino de Santiago, and a fulfilling fall semester back in Missoula featuring engagement with some truly remarkable scholars (ex.: see photo with Dr. West below). I’m also doing the Episcopalian choir gig with Cheryl. It is the most humbling and challenging thing I’ve done in years (and I’m pretty sure that I’ve broken the choir on several occasions).

Cheryl: When we first asked Dylan and Zach to write our Christmas letter all those years ago, I had no idea that it would lead to a Meme Game. Honestly, I don’t really get it, and, thus, in the words of my friend Julien, I am old and a half. And I have laser eyes. So there. As to the year, I’ve made enough airplane trips to make me consider giving up flying. I continue to do my job as a nurse case manager. Something new is singing in the choir at Holy Spirit Episcopal Church which has been a stretch and also fun. I’m grateful for friends and family near and far, and I hope for a healthy season filled with peace and joy for you all. 

Dylan: 2019. I’m informed that in fact 2019 is a year. Who knew? I continued to be in grad school, not copying my dad. I took a trip to Spain with my family. I began dating Sarah, a wonderful, cool, awesome person. I still tweet too much. I started a newsletter (dylanshearer.substack.com please like and subscribe). I took a German 101 class with a bunch of freshmen and can now pronounce “heiß” correctly. I continue to cook whenever I can. Between January 2020 and April 2020, I will have to read 200 books. These have been some tremendous facts about me. I’m sorry to leave so quickly, but I need to ruminate more over what, exactly “a year” is. Was 2018 a year? Who knows?

Zach: Boy, it’s been a long, crazy year for me. In June, I quit my job in the financial aid department of an online university in order to walk the Camino de Santiago in Spain with my Dad. He called it a “profound sojourn” which is a great yet incomplete way of describing a long walk where we got to: eat a lot of paella, pulpo, and pintxos; take siestas every day and drink wine; see beautiful countryside and architecture. A truly profound experience (for my tummy). When we finished, I returned to my amazing girlfriend Mimi in Chicago who I’m now living with in a great little apartment in the Lincoln Square neighborhood. After buying two couches off nice people on Craigslist, it’s mostly finished, except we’re still in need of some art on our walls (if you were thinking of buying me a gift for some reason, take note). At the moment, I’m currently temping for work while looking for something a little more full time and fulfilling. Anyway, for 2020, what I’m most looking forward to is voting for Bernie Sanders for President. Please do the same so that everybody can finally have healthcare, thanks.

   

Have you read of all of this? Excellent, you are now ready to begin your journey as a master meme maker. Please note that the Diamond Edition of the 2019 Miller Shearer Meme Maker does not come with the blank meme templates. Please either upgrade to the Platinum edition to receive all the blank templates or purchase specific blank templates individually through our online portal. All questions and comments can be forwarded to your nearest dumpster.

Thanks!

Bonus Memes:

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For some reason, the 2014 letter never got posted to our blog.  So here is the link to the longest Christmas letter ever. (Cheryl)



https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cVZ-tkibtJR8cjp3ibbZbSiqOEUQFNXeh8kqOsIZoLo/edit

The 2018 Miller Shearer Family Christmas Letter

Seasons Greetings, Family and Friends

This year, the Shearer family has finally joined the modern world and added a Sabremetrics division to our operating budget. We believe that advanced statistics and data science can give us new insights into our family that will really let us take this Xmas letter to the big time. We’ll only be happy when we finally take home the National Christmas Letter Championship (the damn Hendricksons keep beating us out in the semis). Unfortunately, due to stingy ownership, the Sabremetrics (or Shearermetrics, if you will) division is made up entirely of an unpaid intern named Ryan who is currently on a one-man strike because I wouldn’t approve his vacation request for some off days over Christmas, but, before he decided to start banging a drum outside of my parents’ house all day and chanting about a new contract, we were able to get some great graphs and pie charts out of him. So, please enjoy our new and improved Christmas letter, complete with the most cutting edge analysis to give a deeper and more critical look into just how awesome and cool the Shearer family is. Make sure to go online and vote for us in the championship. We need all the support we can get.

Anyway, here’s information about our family. You can read the words if you have to, I guess, but make sure to pay attention to the very real and not-made-up-at-all data for special insight into who we are as a family.

Tobin:

I’m trying to come up with something to say of the non-sincere variety, but I’ve been told that, when I attempt sarcasm, I just end up sounding mean. So, sincere it is.

Although it has been a rough year at the university, highlights (other than posting on Facebook) have been lots of backpacking and camping trips this summer, a trip with Cheryl to New Orleans to attend Humanities meetings, getting to work with awesome students, our weekly supper club gatherings (now completing our 10th year), getting to officiate at a wedding here in Missoula (see Cheryl’s shout out below), and the addition of Pauli (our St. Bernard/Border Collie mix named after civil rights activist Pauli Murray) to our family.

I still am in love as much as ever with my partner (Cheryl, in case it wasn’t obvious) of 32 years (as of December 21). She is my favorite person to get to hang out with. Peace.

Cheryl:

Hi friends and family. Before you have to read any further without actual holiday greetings, let me just say we hope you all are having or had a wonderful time with family and friends and that the New Year is the happiest of all.  

This past year I finished my program in Public Health, changed employers (though I’m doing the same job) and went to not one but two large family reunions in the midwest. It was rejuvenating taking 2 weeks of vacation this summer and doing numerous weekend trips. Having our family together in Missoula in October for friends’ wedding (shout out to Beth and Justin!) was also a highlight. Now that I’ll not be in school, I’m trying to figure out where my life is going, which is always fun. What if it’s not going anywhere? I guess we’ll see. Love and Peace to you all!

Dylan:

    Before I get into the all the incredibly important, life-changing, and virtuous stuff I’ve done this year, I’d just like everyone complete a little task. Please pull out your copy (or take it off the wall where you have it framed) of the 2015 Miller Shearer Christmas letter. Go all the way to the end. What’s that? A bit about advanced stats for the Miller Shearer family? During a year when I wrote the letter? Three whole years ago? Wild, wild, stuff. Wonder where Zach got the idea? Couldn’t have been me, his older brother, no way.

Bit drama aside, it’s been a year of change for me. I started the PhD program in History at University of Illinois-Chicago (UIC for short. Go Flames?) this fall, so I’m currently doing that full time. It also means that I’m mostly just doing that, and as the above graph represents, I’ve had to cut back on some other stuff (Note: While I’m writing this Zach is on his way over to my house to play video games with me.) I’ve been really enjoying it and have met some cool people in the program. And no, I am not turning into my Dad, no matter how much it seems like I am doing exactly that. I know how to swear, and he just straight up doesn’t.

I won’t bore you with anything else about it. That’s really been the biggest thing. I still do improv around the city, tweet too much, and cook whenever I can. And once again, as a reminder, Zach stole my bit. Please, never forget this.

Zach:

    I have no idea what Dylan is talking about with a “bit.” Ryan is very real, and I’m beginning to understand why he went on strike if members of our family won’t even acknowledge him as a real human. Shame, Dylan, shame.
    Anyway, 2018 was a pretty solid year for me, and I’ll go over some of the highlights. In July, I found a new job as a Financial Aid Verification Representative for Purdue Global. As some of you may recall, my old job was working the night shift at an international hostel, so my sleep cycle is much healthier now. About a month after finding the new job, I also moved apartments. I now live in an apartment unit in the basement of an Episcopalian Church rectory. There are some weird paintings on the wall and an out-of-tune piano in the living room, but it’s cheap rent so I can’t complain too much.

Additionally, I am doing a lot of volunteer communications work with the Chicago chapter of the DSA as well as helping out on an alderman campaign. Highlight of the year so far with that is when I showed up for like 3 seconds at the beginning of an AJ+ video about Democratic Socialism.
    Oh, also, I do have a girlfriend now. Her name is Mimi and she’s a very lovely person. (She also helped out with these graphs!) Hopefully you’ll get to meet her sometime soon.

    Well, that’s all of us. Hope you enjoyed hearing about our lives in 2018. As you can see, a lot of great insights and hilarious moments thanks to our new Shearermetrics department.

Before we go, I’d just like to wish you all happy holidays and a fantastic new year. Please go online and vote for out letter. Also, consider sending an email to the judges over at the National Christmas Letter Championship to tell them how much you enjoyed reading this. Maybe don’t mention Ryan. Don’t want to get disqualified for a labor violation and give the Hendricksons an easy win, those jerks.

Happy Holidays!

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The 2017 Miller Shearer Family Christmas Letter

“Every work of art is an uncommitted crime.” - Adorno

Dearest Reader,

Welcome. Willkommen. Please, sit down. Take, as they say, a load off. To quote the esteemed philosopher-poet Frankie Goes to Hollywood, “Relax.” Close your eyes, but not too much so that you can keep reading the letter. Imagine, if you would, that you are holding a cup of eggnog. Oh, you don’t like eggnog? Please put this letter down and do not read it anymore.

Sorry, I got a bit heated there. This is not my weekly eggnog newsletter (if you would like to be included on my NogWild mailing list please sign up at tinyurl.com/hogwildfornogchild). This is the Miller Shearer Family Christmas Letter. A letter so beautiful that some have described it as being “the telos of aesthetics.”

*Train Sound from Inception*

This year, as every year, The Miller Shearer Christmas Letter (yes, the capitalization is correct, this letter is a PROPER NOUN) is a reflection on life, love, loss, laughter, and lfamily. Just kidding; it’s a letter that’s like forty-five percent about what happened this year, fifteen percent an excuse for Dylan and Zach to do dumb bits, and forty percent attempts at getting inappropriate words past the censors, Tobin and Cheryl, GøsH DArN. [Censors' note: previous two words have been censored and replaced.]

But at the risk of ruining the whole above-it-all, ironic vibe that’s happening here, 2017 has been an absolutely bonkers year, for both the Miller Shearer family, the U.S., and the world as a whole. Like utterly insane. I’m talking Dada levels of nuts. Dali would be proud of 2017. And I don’t mean bonkers in a good way a la Fast Five starring Vin Diesel and the Rock. I mean like tunnel sequence in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory scary-bonkers. But we’re all still here, I guess, so there’s that.

Sorry for getting real for a second. In any case here’s what the family has to say:

Cheryl: I will take this opportunity to wish everyone a blessed holiday season and Merry Christmas. In an uncharacteristic move (for me), I set two goals for myself this year, hoping, in some way to challenge myself to do something hopeful in the face of current nonsense. One was to walk the Missoula half marathon and the other was to start back to school to obtain a certificate in Public Health. Tobin and I walked the half marathon on a hot day in July and we managed to finish. Yeah! And this fall, I started 2 classes. In fact, I am writing this note while procrastinating on finishing a paper for my Public Health Administration and Management class. I continue to work 4 days a week at my job as an RN Case Manager. Let us all work for a better world.  

Tobin: So, uncharacteristically, I’ll be sincere and write about what I am grateful for from this last year: painting our house blue and purple; getting to read (and respond!) to Dylan’s PhD application essay; being challenged by Zachary on some of my public comments about the anti-fa movement; driving hundreds of miles through the Canadian Rockies with Cheryl; leading dozens of workshops and seminars on white supremacy and privilege; completing a book project; starting another; continuing to work out regularly at Five Valleys Crossfit in Missoula; and being supported by hundreds of friends from across the country in the wake of unwanted attention from the far right. In a world with so much wrong with it, these are true gifts. May you all find unexpected blessings in this crazy time we inhabit.

Dylan: Hello, all. As the least inclined of all the members of this family to be in any way real or serious, I shall work against my natural inclination to just post repurposed Kanye lyrics instead of actual news, and attempt to tell you a little about what’s been going on in my life (Borat voice). In 2017 I got a new job working at a marketing/advertising agency which is cool and interesting to some people. I also had the chance to put on my first sketch show in Chicago which was super fun. I started and continue to do work with the Chicago Democratic Socialists of America which has been super fulfilling in this Trumpian nightmare world we live in. There’s some quote about raging against the dying of the light or whatever, which would probably be appropriate here, but I can’t remember it. I also applied to a bunch of PhD programs in history. We’ll see if I get in anywhere, but it’d be cool if I did.

Zach: “Hello, my name’s Zach and this year I went viral on Twitter and my apartment burned down. I had to jump out of my window to escape.” That’s been my opening line at parties the last couple months but it’s not gonna be useful much longer so I thought I’d throw it in here to get a few more miles out of it. It really hooks people in right from the get-go which is what my 4th grade teacher taught me was the best way to start an essay. Gets people intrigued. Anyway, both things are true. Unfortunately, having a tweet get eleven thousand retweets doesn’t actually earn me any money so I’m still working night shift at an international hostel in downtown Chicago instead of skiing down piles of gold like Scrooge McDuck. The apartment thing was also crazy, but I was able to get out unharmed and find a new place relatively quickly. A big thank you to all of you who offered me support when that happened. You’re all great. Outside of those two major events, I also did a lot of work with the Chicago DSA, wrote a lot, and tried to travel to visit friends when I could afford it and find the time. Overall, I’d say it was a pretty good year: B+.

Boom, Bam, Bloaw. All four members of the Miller Shearer nuclear family have weighed in. The cycle is complete. The danger averted. The prophecy forestalled by the work of just four human beings. The world shall spin for at least one more year, circling the Sun on its endless journey through time. For that is what the Miller Shearer Family Christmas Letter is. An act of selflessness to prevent the world from ending. Or something to that effect. You’re welcome is what I’m trying to say.

So, dear reader, you may now open your eyes all the way again. Look around, take a breath, stretch a little. Throw another log on the fire. Drink some more eggnog. The letter is all but done. You have just one more task. Go to your local purveyor of masticatable goods, a greengrocer if you will. Purchase, via fiat currency or the five-fingered discount, a nice bag of Grandma Utz’s brand chips. Eat that bag of chips. Or, as Cheryl wants to remind our dearest readers, you could do something creative. There, now Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Yuletide/The Celebration of the Winter Solstice, and by extension, this letter, is now complete. 

“In other words, the man who is born into existence deals first with language; this is a given. He is even caught in it before his birth.” - Lacan

Happy Holidays,

The Miller Shearer Family

A Miller Shearer Christmas Letter - 2016

A Miller Shearer Christmas Letter - December 2016

    Hi everybody! A hearty “Season’s Greetings!” from the Miller Shearer family. Like every year, with neighborly spirits and full hearts, we like to update our friends and family on what we got up to this year in our Christmas letter. And, as per usual, we do it in a sincere, kindly manner that is inoffensive to anyone and definitely not a function of us trying to “lay low.” Ha ha. That would be ridiculous. It’s not like any of us are on a watchlist or socialists or anything and worried about the fascist we have for a President. Nope. This is totally normal for us.

    So, Merry Christmas to you all. What a year it’s been! Absolutely brimming with love and joy. Although, before we share our many blessings, we’d be remiss not to mention that we have mourned the many celebrities who have left this earth in 2016. In particular, Elie Wiesel, Muhammad Ali, and Phife Dawg saddened us. Although to then mention that the many shootings of black men and women this year by police proves that those celebrities’ legacies need to be continued and that the fights they fought aren’t over would be controversial and possibly dangerous, so we won’t say that. Nope, we’re just gonna stick with “saddened.” 

Maybe it’d be prudent to focus on other things that happened this year, related to just us. Like how, Tobin and Zach built a brick patio in our backyard in Missoula, Montana. That was cool, and there aren’t watchlists of people who build patios, are there? Great. Also, we have two new additions to the household this year: Hocus and Pocus who are sister kitties. They’re very adorable and everyone would think so regardless of their politics. . .   I hope.

 

 Because there’s so much good stuff to tell, here’s each member of the family writing about their year in the least incriminating, most sincere way possible.

Mom: Hello everyone. Here are things about my life from the past year. I passed a milestone at my job around September. I’ve worked there for 7 years now - which is the longest time I’ve worked anywhere. I keep looking at the classifieds though, just to see what’s out there. (Ha ha just kidding Liz!) When In between going to work I took trips to San Antonio with Tobin, Chicago with Zach to see Dylan, Iowa by myself for Shetler family reunion, and Pennsylvania for niece Alma’s wedding. One more trip to PA for Christmas will round out the year. And because this is Christmas, and it has traditionally been my role to say something, um, not sarcastic, I will quote Steve Maraboli from Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience. “Want to keep Christ in Christmas? Feed the hungry, clothe the naked, forgive the guilty, welcome the unwanted, care for the ill, love your enemies, and do unto others as you would have done unto you.” (Zach, too political??)

Dad: As I Iook back over the last year, the most significant thing about it was not that I finally finished a new book on the Fresh Air program (Two Weeks Every Summer: Fresh Air Children and the Problem of Race in America due out in April from Cornell Press - yeah!) after about a decade of research on the subject, not that I had the gift of an eight-month sabbatical, not that I got invited to preach in a Mennonite church about racism for the first time in twenty years, and definitely not that - as Zach infers above - I got put on an academic watchlist of dangerous professors. No, the most significant thing about the past year was that I took a spiritual retreat in January for five days in a snow-covered cabin in the woods in Montana. During that time, I prayed the hours of the office around the clock. It taught me two important things: 1) that I never want to be a monk because - among other things - it would require getting up several times in the middle of the night to pray the hours and, dang, but that was hard; and 2) that I love my work and want to continue doing exactly what I am doing now for as long as I can. Of course, getting to spend time with Cheryl in San Antonio, working out with Zach in the gym, and getting to hear Dylan’s new history podcast were also pretty cool, but having a renewed sense of purpose and peace in doing so was a great gift.

Dylan: 2016 has been a crazy, unpredictable, politically-charged year. “But Dylan,” you’re asking yourself, “what do you mean? 2016 seemed pretty normal to me! I can’t think of one crazy, unpredictable politically charged event that happened in 2016.” Well let me provide the voice in your head with some evidence. For example, I now enjoy okra, something that was verboten as recently as 2015. I’ve also been listening to a lot more country music. I’m still calling it “roots rock” but who are we kidding, it’s country music. Both of these things are crazy, unpredictable, politically charged events that happened in 2016. And that’s it! The rest of the year was normal and v v chill. Unlike my blessed father I won’t humble-brag my way through a list of my accomplishments, just straight brag-brag my way through them. I graduated from DePaul in June with my Master’s in History. I also beat Witcher 3, a video game. These are the two things I did this year. I also run a website that mostly publishes articles about how the Beatles are Trash but also sometimes important things too.

Zach: Here’s the first 9 months of my year in one sentence: I lived in my parents’ basement and delivered food for a start-up app company and performed some stand-up comedy and occasionally traveled to visit friends in cool places and then I got surgery on my hand. Or in other words, I was a millennial. Pretty boring stuff, to be honest. Oh, I also did Crossfit for a lot of that, but due to previous statements of mine and a dislike for the taste of crow, I won’t be saying anything else on that matter. After the first nine months, I finally had enough money saved up to move out of my parent’s place and head to Chicago, IL. Currently, I work nights at a International Hostel downtown, which has its good parts and its bad parts but I’m enjoying it for the most part. I’m also taking improv comedy lessons, teaching myself how to code, and sleeping a lot. I also definitely did not sign up for a socialist organization after the presidential election.

    Well, that’s that, folks. Another successful Miller Shearer Christmas Letter. Please notice that we are using the word “Christmas.” Know that we are not in any way affiliated with a so called “War on Christmas.” We aren’t using “Happy Holidays” or other inclusive language that would allow our non-Christian brothers and sisters to feel loved during the holiday season. We would never have “HAPPY HOLIDAYS” in our xmas letter. We aren’t heathens.

    May you have a joyous year ahead of you. Please don’t report us.