The 2017 Miller Shearer Family Christmas Letter

“Every work of art is an uncommitted crime.” - Adorno

Dearest Reader,

Welcome. Willkommen. Please, sit down. Take, as they say, a load off. To quote the esteemed philosopher-poet Frankie Goes to Hollywood, “Relax.” Close your eyes, but not too much so that you can keep reading the letter. Imagine, if you would, that you are holding a cup of eggnog. Oh, you don’t like eggnog? Please put this letter down and do not read it anymore.

Sorry, I got a bit heated there. This is not my weekly eggnog newsletter (if you would like to be included on my NogWild mailing list please sign up at tinyurl.com/hogwildfornogchild). This is the Miller Shearer Family Christmas Letter. A letter so beautiful that some have described it as being “the telos of aesthetics.”

*Train Sound from Inception*

This year, as every year, The Miller Shearer Christmas Letter (yes, the capitalization is correct, this letter is a PROPER NOUN) is a reflection on life, love, loss, laughter, and lfamily. Just kidding; it’s a letter that’s like forty-five percent about what happened this year, fifteen percent an excuse for Dylan and Zach to do dumb bits, and forty percent attempts at getting inappropriate words past the censors, Tobin and Cheryl, GøsH DArN. [Censors' note: previous two words have been censored and replaced.]

But at the risk of ruining the whole above-it-all, ironic vibe that’s happening here, 2017 has been an absolutely bonkers year, for both the Miller Shearer family, the U.S., and the world as a whole. Like utterly insane. I’m talking Dada levels of nuts. Dali would be proud of 2017. And I don’t mean bonkers in a good way a la Fast Five starring Vin Diesel and the Rock. I mean like tunnel sequence in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory scary-bonkers. But we’re all still here, I guess, so there’s that.

Sorry for getting real for a second. In any case here’s what the family has to say:

Cheryl: I will take this opportunity to wish everyone a blessed holiday season and Merry Christmas. In an uncharacteristic move (for me), I set two goals for myself this year, hoping, in some way to challenge myself to do something hopeful in the face of current nonsense. One was to walk the Missoula half marathon and the other was to start back to school to obtain a certificate in Public Health. Tobin and I walked the half marathon on a hot day in July and we managed to finish. Yeah! And this fall, I started 2 classes. In fact, I am writing this note while procrastinating on finishing a paper for my Public Health Administration and Management class. I continue to work 4 days a week at my job as an RN Case Manager. Let us all work for a better world.  

Tobin: So, uncharacteristically, I’ll be sincere and write about what I am grateful for from this last year: painting our house blue and purple; getting to read (and respond!) to Dylan’s PhD application essay; being challenged by Zachary on some of my public comments about the anti-fa movement; driving hundreds of miles through the Canadian Rockies with Cheryl; leading dozens of workshops and seminars on white supremacy and privilege; completing a book project; starting another; continuing to work out regularly at Five Valleys Crossfit in Missoula; and being supported by hundreds of friends from across the country in the wake of unwanted attention from the far right. In a world with so much wrong with it, these are true gifts. May you all find unexpected blessings in this crazy time we inhabit.

Dylan: Hello, all. As the least inclined of all the members of this family to be in any way real or serious, I shall work against my natural inclination to just post repurposed Kanye lyrics instead of actual news, and attempt to tell you a little about what’s been going on in my life (Borat voice). In 2017 I got a new job working at a marketing/advertising agency which is cool and interesting to some people. I also had the chance to put on my first sketch show in Chicago which was super fun. I started and continue to do work with the Chicago Democratic Socialists of America which has been super fulfilling in this Trumpian nightmare world we live in. There’s some quote about raging against the dying of the light or whatever, which would probably be appropriate here, but I can’t remember it. I also applied to a bunch of PhD programs in history. We’ll see if I get in anywhere, but it’d be cool if I did.

Zach: “Hello, my name’s Zach and this year I went viral on Twitter and my apartment burned down. I had to jump out of my window to escape.” That’s been my opening line at parties the last couple months but it’s not gonna be useful much longer so I thought I’d throw it in here to get a few more miles out of it. It really hooks people in right from the get-go which is what my 4th grade teacher taught me was the best way to start an essay. Gets people intrigued. Anyway, both things are true. Unfortunately, having a tweet get eleven thousand retweets doesn’t actually earn me any money so I’m still working night shift at an international hostel in downtown Chicago instead of skiing down piles of gold like Scrooge McDuck. The apartment thing was also crazy, but I was able to get out unharmed and find a new place relatively quickly. A big thank you to all of you who offered me support when that happened. You’re all great. Outside of those two major events, I also did a lot of work with the Chicago DSA, wrote a lot, and tried to travel to visit friends when I could afford it and find the time. Overall, I’d say it was a pretty good year: B+.

Boom, Bam, Bloaw. All four members of the Miller Shearer nuclear family have weighed in. The cycle is complete. The danger averted. The prophecy forestalled by the work of just four human beings. The world shall spin for at least one more year, circling the Sun on its endless journey through time. For that is what the Miller Shearer Family Christmas Letter is. An act of selflessness to prevent the world from ending. Or something to that effect. You’re welcome is what I’m trying to say.

So, dear reader, you may now open your eyes all the way again. Look around, take a breath, stretch a little. Throw another log on the fire. Drink some more eggnog. The letter is all but done. You have just one more task. Go to your local purveyor of masticatable goods, a greengrocer if you will. Purchase, via fiat currency or the five-fingered discount, a nice bag of Grandma Utz’s brand chips. Eat that bag of chips. Or, as Cheryl wants to remind our dearest readers, you could do something creative. There, now Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Yuletide/The Celebration of the Winter Solstice, and by extension, this letter, is now complete. 

“In other words, the man who is born into existence deals first with language; this is a given. He is even caught in it before his birth.” - Lacan

Happy Holidays,

The Miller Shearer Family