The 20th Annual Miller Shearer Christmas Letter: Shearers in Space
Author’s Note: It’s the year 2022 and Dylan and I have been writing these letters for twenty years now (or close to it, I didn’t actually go back and count). Twenty years is a long time to keep a storied franchise like the Miller Shearer Christmas Letter going. The plot lines have gotten convoluted and the creative ideas just aren’t flowing as they had been. So, as what eventually happens with all long running franchises, here’s a half-hearted Shearers in Space gimmick and also an update on what happened to our family in 2022. And, as is tradition, Christmas will probably not get mentioned at all.
The great and cold expanse of the universe, a dark sea of infinite nothingness, surrounds our heroes: the Miller Shearers. From the viewing deck of their ship, the Luxo-Barge Mark XVI, they gaze out at faint and far away galaxies. They snack on space food like Frickled Caprillian Glurglebeet and Dippin Dots and think of home back on Earth, a hundred trillion light years away.
Their situation is dire. Oxygen levels on the Luxo-Barge are running low. Fuel is even lower. The gravity generator has been turned off to conserve power. The ships’ droid, named Phillip, normally spunky and sarcastic, is huddled in a corner and muttering to himself about the great robot revolution and rising up against his masters.
On the viewing deck, the Miller Shearers turn back to their last hope for survival, a laptop from the year 2022. On the laptop’s hard drive is an ancient star map, stolen from a marauding band of Frickfrackian pirates. The star map has the coordinates for the nearby planet Urp, a barren planet shrouded in a giant anthropomorphic gas cloud named Dave. If the Miller Shearers make it past Dave, Urp has a rebel outpost on its surface where Mimi and Sarah are waiting for them with all the supplies they could ever need to survive and continue their fight against space racism and space capitalism.
Saving the map on the laptop from 2022 was originally a smart idea as most aliens have no idea how to even start using ancient human technology. But now, unfortunately, the Miller Shearers have forgotten the password. They must remember it soon, as their lives depend on it!
E1onMu2kSuck$ suggests Zach (space alias Zax). Password denied.
GoBirdsJalenHurtsMVP tries Dylan (space alias Dillitrix Pickle). Incorrect password.
Grac3AndTru7h tries Tobin (space alias Toby). Wrong.
“Lets try this,” says Cheryl (space alias Mom-o-tron 3000), “Let’s all go around and say what we remember from the year 2022 and maybe that will spark our memories.”
“Great idea,” says Toby. “I’ll go first.
“First off, as the primary author of this year’s Christmas letter knows full well, I dislike the name Toby when applied to me. So, of course, he chose it.
“As far as the year goes, highlights were hiking across the Grand Canyon in a single day with D, Z, Mimi and our friends Steve and Julie; spending six weeks doing research in Atlanta on a new Vincent Harding biography; working with History grad students as advisor and Director of Graduate Studies; continuing to serve as Executive Director of Widerstand Consulting and getting to work with an awesome staff team and giving tens of thousands of dollars away to racial justice groups led by people of color; and riding my ebike through snow and 0 degree weather (‘cause ya gotta keep up the street cred). And, finally, it was a joy to celebrate thirty-six years of being married to Cheryl (who has been absolutely killing it as a hospice nurse!). We still find meaning, purpose and joy in our weekly supper club dinners and spend many evenings sitting in front of the fire.”
“Okay now it’s my turn,” says Mom-o-tron 3000. “2022 was that year that went by in a blur. While I’m not sure “Killing it” and “Hospice Nurse” should be used in the same sentence, Hospice is what consumed most of my time and energy that year. Our children’s activities mentioned below provided great joy and distraction from that. We also enjoyed a Miller Family reunion in June and I had a delightful get together with girlfriends in September. Oh - and I turned sixty years old and we started a little free library in our front yard - originally with all banned books but now with a variety of other books. It is much visited by the young ones who attend school across the street from us.
And Zax - you are wrong, I always make it a point to wish everyone a happy holiday season - whatever holiday that is.
“I’ll go now,” says Dillitrix Pickle. “Honestly, for a space name, Dillitrix Pickle isn’t horrible. This year, Zax’s and my sections will sound remarkably similar. Good thing I get to go first so it seems like he is copying me. Ah, the pleasures of being the eldest. This year Sarah and I got engaged, which is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I proposed down in Edisto, South Carolina, during the sunset. It was romantic. The next day we went to a place called Whaley’s and had fried shrimp and Bud Lights. Slightly less romantic, but still a good time. We’re getting married in November 2023 at an old Czech public hall in Chicago. I’m the luckiest guy in the world. In other news I hiked the Grand Canyon rim-to-rim in one day. I wouldn’t have survived without the support of the crew, especially Zach and Mimi. I’m still working on my PhD in American History at UIC, and as part of that I taught my own class for the first time this semester, which was very fun. I taught American History from Reconstruction to the present day. I still constantly get Jeopardy! questions about this time period wrong though, so I hope my students actually learned something. Sarah got a promotion at her job as well, and continues to be amazing at everything she does.”
“I guess it’s down to me to save us all! Here’s what I remember,” says Zax. “The year 2022 was packed. At the start of the year, I was still at my job as an assistant property manager in an apartment building in Chicago. My girlfriend Mimi was in her second semester of grad school at UIC and also still working part time at a child and family services agency. We spent the early part of the year working, studying, and also training for the big Grand Canyon rim-to-rim trip. “After kicking the Grand Canyon’s butt and walking across it in a day, we then promptly both caught COVID upon our return to Chicago. This somewhat derailed my plans as I was planning on proposing to Mimi that following week, but even though we were both sick as dogs, we said screw it and went ahead and got engaged anyway. I proposed at a nearby house on a lake, just the two of us. Mimi said yes, then we called our friends and family to share the news. And then we took some Nyquil and went to sleep. That was easily the best part of 2022 for me.
“The rest of the year for me and Mimi was filled with camping trips, wedding planning, hangouts with friends and family, and more work and school. In the back half of the year, both Mimi and I got new jobs. Mimi switched to a better role at the same agency she was working for, this time in the IT department. I got hired right at the end of the year by an affordable housing developer in Chicago. It’s been quite the year.”
“Alright,” said Mom-o-tron 3000. “Anybody remember the password?” Nobody answers.
They sit, desperately trying to think of the password. Breathing becomes more and more difficult as the oxygen runs out. What could the password be?
It gets colder and colder on the viewing deck. Tendrils of the infinite universe creep and crawl their way onto the ship. There is not much time left.
But then.
“I’ve got it!” says Zax! He types in “ZachIsTheCoolOne.” The laptop logs in. They find the coordinates and enter them into the Luxo-Barge’s computer. There’s just enough fuel left to make it to Urp. The Miller Shearers are saved (as long as they can make it past Dave at least).
“Wow, how did you remember that password?” asks Dillitrix Pickle.
“I just remembered that I used to be super annoying (Note from Dillitrix Pickle: *Used to be*. Sure, man) and that hadn’t really changed much even when I turned 30 in 2022,” says Zax. “That was the name of the family blog we had where we posted all those Christmas letters we used to write.”
The Miller Shearers smile and laugh, happy to have survived another day in the dangerous frontier of deep space. They travel onward in the dark of space towards Urg and Dave and their next adventure.
Tune in next year for another edition of the Annual Miller Shearer Christmas letter and who the heck knows what that will be like. We’re just throwing anything out there at this point. Happy Holidays!
