Welcome, family and
friends.
Welcome to our annual
phantasmagoric letter.
Welcome to our tetchy
tetrarchy.
Welcome to your
dreams.
This is...
THE
SHEARER FAMILY CHRISTMAS LETTER
Copyright 2012 © ѽ
Well, now
that I’ve got that obscenely pretentious opening out of my system, let’s begin.
We’ll start
in Missoula, Montana, a gentle valley surrounded by glorious mountains and
running with 3 babbling rivers. When you walk out into the morning sun, you’re
greeted by waltzing deer and singing blue birds. And, ‘Oh! What’s that?’ Why,
it’s a fuzzy kitty and/or puppy purring at your feet. Ahhh, life in the West.
How simple, how darling, how picturesque! The Shearer family sits around their
dining room table, laughing heartily and enjoying a scrumptious meal.
“Gee
wonkilers!” exclaims Dylan, the oldest son of two – age 22, “I’m such a klutz.
I knocked over my glass of delicious and nutritious milk. Sorry everybody, I'll
get a towel to clean it up.”
“Well, I’ll
be, that reminds me of the time when we went to see the cow farm with milking
robots this summer at the Miller family reunion! At least, all of us but Dylan!
Because he was in training for his job,” remarks Papa Tobin – age ‘super old.’
“What a
good memory that was,” adds Mama Cheryl – age ‘I probably shouldn’t go there,’
“In fact, let’s all go around and remember what our year was like.”
“I’ll go
first,” volunteers Zach, the ever obedient and talented, yet devilishly witty
and smart, younger son – age 20. “I spent most of my year as a student at the
University of Montana. I’m now a Junior and I’m studying Creative Writing. I
get a lot of questions from people like, ‘Oh? And what are you going to do with
that?’ or ‘What do you plan on doing after college?’ I understand - we English
major types often end up sifting through dumpsters, delivering pizzas, and
muttering to ourselves about the meaning of farts in Chaucer’s Miller's Tale.
But, creative writing is something I like and I’ve been in a dumpster before
and it turned out to be rather cozy.
“I also
spent the year working as a Resident Assistant in the dorms. Even over the
summer I kept working, dedicating myself to herding freshmen. Sometimes they
can be nice, but they’re mostly just dumb. They think they’re smarter than me,
but if you’re gonna say something smug to me in passing one night, you should
probably make sure you aren’t locked out of your room first. Anyway, I’m not an
RA anymore. I had to quit because I’m studying abroad in Australia next
semester. Hooray!
“I’ll just
end with a few things of interest. We had a big back packing trip (Dylan not
included) with our supper club friends to Utah. Dad doesn’t know this, but when
we drove there and he was asleep in the car, I definitely went over 95 MPH. I
also had a short story published in our campus lit mag this spring, anal
probing was mentioned in it. I read all of the Game of Thrones books this summer. And I’ve developed a taste for
mustard. That's about all I’ve got.”
“I’ll try
to go next but that will be hard to follow,” says Dylan, “But not really, I’ve
been doing this whole Christmas letter deal for a lot longer then this here
Zach kid. A year longer to be precise. Which is like a decade in the Christmas
letter biz, and this whole thing is getting weirdly meta so I’m going to just
tell you about my year, but in a snarky ironic way. Because that’s how this
works. In what is perhaps the biggest news to come from the Dylan Shearer Esq.
front in years, I was able to go to Brussles, Belgium, and Dublin, Ireland, for
9 weeks this summer to ‘study’ and ‘learn important cultural lessons.’ Neither
of those are code words for ‘study not at all’ and ‘learn important cultural
lessons about beer.’ Especially not when I was in Dublin. During the actual
school year I continued at the University of Montana and got promoted to the
Assistant Head Resident of Elrod/Duniway Halls. This means I can tell people I
have a secretary and it’s nominally true. I also start my last semester of
college in January where I’ll be student teaching at Hellgate Highschool, which
only has half as many demons as you would think.”
Papa Tobin,
who was previously staring at the table and furiously thinking of ways to incorporate
Crossfit into his year’s memory, looks up and begins to somehow tell his part
as dorkily as possible.
“It was a
good year overall, my beloved family. I got to work out at Crossfit Emergence
five times a week, be back in the classroom teaching after having the spring
semester off to finish a book, and really enjoyed working with colleagues at
the university on a bunch of cool committees. I also continued serving as an
elder at First Presybterian and anticipate a new assignment on the board of
Humanities Montana in the coming year. And, oh dear and cherished ones who are
the very delight of my heart, I even did my first handstand pushups in
Crossfit. Did I mention earlier that I’m doing Crossfit? Let me tell you about
today’s workout.”
But before he can start
yammering on about how he grunted and lifted things for an hour, Mama Cheryl
interjects with a roll of her eyes, “I suppose that means it’s my turn.” She
continues, “First of all, I’d just like to say Merry Christmas to our friends
far and near. In spite of the general tone of this letter, we want to honor
these relationships that keep us going.
OK, now on to the rest. The big change in my life this year was the
adoption of a dog we call Jenny. The boys call her my empty nest dog, but she
is my ticket to exercise as she takes me for walks twice a day. Jenny is a
Rottweiler, lab, retriever mix according to the shelter, and she is devoted to
me, if not the rest of my family, or to Casper the friendly cat. My work as a
nurse case manager for people with a mental illness or physical disability
continues as before- except busier. We
welcomed some guests this summer and would love to see any of you if you make
your way to Missoula during the coming year.”
As Mama
Cheryl’s words fade away into silence, the Shearer family realizes that the
night has grown quite late. As they exchange good nights and prepare for bed,
questions hang over their heads. What will happen in 2013? Will Dylan find a
job? Will Zach survive Australia? Will Mama and Papa continue to do their
thang? Will the next Game of Thrones
book live up to expectations? Why hasn’t anybody invented teleportation yet?
What on earth is Dylan doing in the bathroom that’s taking so long?
All these
questions, and more, pester the Shearer family, but, nevertheless, tomorrow
they will wake up and face another day. They will continue to move ahead,
striving for happiness and meaning and love and peace and fresh, minty breath.
The harsh realities of the world may provide obstacles (like heart break or
anchovies) for these goals, but the Shearers will continue to persevere. The
Shearers will always persevere. ALWAYS.
And that’s
the end. Thanks for reading this year’s edition. Hope you liked it. Happy
Holidays, everyone!
