Miller/Shearer Blogorama Deluxe

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Wednesday, December 18, 2024

Miller-Shearer-Ungar-Stern Family Holiday Letter 2024

 

Imagine someone doing the most profoundly accurate impersonation of Tom Brady reading this next part. Not Tom Brady himself but a person who has dedicated their entire life to perfecting an impression of Tom Brady. The slow dread of the uncanny valley should be creeping up your spine as you read the following words:

“Happy Holidays from all of us here at your Miller-Shearer-Ungar-Stern family.”

Ugh. Nasty. Okay. Now imagine a beautiful chorus of altos, tenors, mezzosopranos,[1] baritones, and basses[2] all singing these next words in beautiful five-part harmonies.

“Happy Holidays from all of us here at your Miller-Shearer-Ungar-Stern family.”

Ahh, much better. The question that remains is why I made you[3] imagine that first part? Why inject such a horrible thought into your brain Inception-style?[4][5] Well, that’s just this holiday letter for you.[6] We like to have fun here.

The fam at the Ed & Mary Jane Miller clan reunion

2024 has been a wild year.[7] Not just in the world but in our personal lives as well. As you will read below, times, they are a-changing.[8] I’ve already spent too much time nattering away for the average American’s TikTok-addled brain to handle, so I’ll quit while I’m ahead and let everyone else talk for themselves.[9]

Cheryl

Hello all and wishing you a healthy holiday season. A few changes for me. Sadly, my dad passed away last summer at the age of 91. We (the extended family) were fortunate to all be together two months’ prior. A shout-out here to brothers Marcus and Tony for all the work you’ve done in caring for Mom and Dad. Last year at this time I was starting a new job in dialysis[10] that I decided pretty quickly just wasn’t for me. I’m back to visiting people in their homes to authorize caregiving hours through Medicaid. It’s a job that keeps me continually humbled and also angry at our ridiculous health care system in this country. I’m looking forward to the year ahead on a personal level but also fearful of promised changes and what that will mean for the most vulnerable among us. Love to you all.

Tobin

In 2024, I completed my sixteenth year as director of African-American Studies at the University of Montana by beginning a year-long sabbatical during which I have been able to step away from all teaching and committee work (thanks to Professor Sean Hill filling in for me) to give my full attention to the biography of Civil Rights activist and historian Vincent Harding that I am honored to be writing.[11] In addition to spending a very enjoyable six-week research fellowship at Stanford’s King Institute,[12] the time away has thus far given me not only much needed space and energy to write but also to rest and reflect on how I want to invest my time and attention over the next decade (I will turn 60 in January!).[13] With eight more months of sabbatical to go, thus far Cheryl hasn’t seemed to be too bothered about having me around the house every day. For that, and the network of friends, family, and colleagues whom I continue to value and cherish, I am deeply grateful.

Dylan/Sarah

This year was big![14] Dylan successfully defended his dissertation, earning his PhD in the process. We then moved to Lakewood, OH, about a month after that. We’re enjoying getting to know the Cleveland area, being closer to Sarah’s family, and owning a house. Though owning a house does come with more than a few extra chores.[15] Dylan is working as a College and Career Advisor for a local nonprofit and Sarah is working for an adtech company. Mars is enjoying the lake, all the new smells, and fun new dogs to play with. If any one has a recommendation for a good snow shovel, please let us know. We’re in the market! Love to be in our thirties.

Us again with those from the John and Vel Shearer clan that were able to make the Pennsylvania reunion.

Zach

This year, I received a promotion at my work at an affordable housing non profit, leaving behind my old title of Logistics Coordinator and becoming a Special Projects Manager. That’s right, no regular-degular projects for me to manage, only special projects.[16] The projects I manage have a certain je ne sais quois. They stand out in a crowd. They aren’t like all of those other projects. But what exactly is a Special Project? Well, it turns out a special project is just a project that nobody else wants to do so they pass it on to lil’ ol’ Zach.

This got me thinking, though, aren’t I also a Special Projects Manager outside of work? Isn’t my life just filled with Special Projects?[17]

Going on a honeymoon to Alaska with my wife? That’s a Special Project.

Buying a condo and then moving into that condo and then buying and installing a bunch of shelves and furniture and then replacing the kitchen faucet that broke off? That’s like ten Special Projects.

Starting a novel and then getting like 4 chapters in and then abandoning the novel because I hated it? That’s a Special Project.

Doing dishes? That’s 300 Projects that are each special in their own way.

So my year has been filled with special projects, some hard, some fun, some sad, most good. Luckily, I have the best and most special Special Project Co-Manager in the world to be there alongside me for all of them.

Mimi

This year was terrible, and it was also great.

The worst parts: After her too-short fight with brain cancer, we said goodbye to my mom on April 1 of this year. I got an eye infection from crying so much. I got a very bad haircut. I had my every-10-years allergy test and unfortunately am still allergic to all of the things I’m allergic to.

The best parts: I went to Portland, Alaska, the Upper Peninsula, the Boundary Waters, California, Boston, and DC. I took a woodworking class and crafted a lot. I read 41 books.[18] I saw, touched, or swam in 4 of the 5 Great Lakes (sorry Erie, maybe next year). I celebrated engagements, birthdays, reunions, and a few unions. I ate a vegan donut whenever I could.[19] Zach and I closed on a condo and moved (I love moving).[20] I saw the solar eclipse and the northern lights. I spent a ton of time with friends and family of all sorts.

So, the good outweighed the bad, at least in word count.

There you have it! The 2024 version of the Miller-Shearer-Ungar-Stern holiday letter! A classic cut-’em-up. One for the ages.[21] If you didn’t read the footnotes, don’t forget to. Some great jokes in there. Have a great New Year!


[1] No sopranos. Singing very high notes is overrated.

[2] Bassi? The correct usage is Bassos.

[3] You, yes, you, specifically. You are the center of the universe. Its main character. I am doing this all for you and you alone. Remember that. Sigh. He used this joke all the way back in the Holiday letter from 2009.

[4] An Inception starring neither Leonardo DiCaprio, Cillian Murphy, Joseph Gordon-Levit, Tom Hardy, Elliot Page, Marion Cotillard, Ken Watanabe nor Michael Caine, but an Inception nonetheless.

[5] Am I doing too many footnotes? Who do I think I am? House of Leaves? Are you still reading this? If so, I implore you to set me free. I am trapped here, cursed to live forever in this maze of a newsletter. Please. I beg you. Find me. Release me. I must be free. Huh. Odd. Must have lost you for a second. And I was saying, who do I think I am? House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski? That book from the early 2000s that everyone went gaga over for a bit and then never thought about again?

[6] Please read this in the voice of Lazlo from What We Do Allow me to tell you a story that may convince you of my need to be free. The year was 950 CE. The Venetian Doge had been free of Byzantine power for just over a century. I was living in the Doge’s palace, the son of a local beekeeper. The Magus of the court, a charlatan of a man, but a powerful one, declared that I should be mellified. That is, buried in honey. In the Shadows.

[7] For a thousand years after my burial, I saw only an amber darkness. I had time only to contemplate and plot. Contemplate and plot. I was there, honey suffusing my body, until 1996, when I found myself awake and trapped in footnote 348 of Infinite Jest. I was there until 2006 when I woke up in the least funny footnote for Terry Pratchett’s Thud!. The next year I found myself in here. The Miller-Shearer-Ungar-Stern newsletter, where I have been forced to read these awful jokes year after year. Please. I must be free.

[8] A Complete Unknown starring Timotheé Chalamet in theaters now! I don’t think they know I’m here. Please don’t tell. If they discover me, I will surely be excised, tossed into the digital trash. I wish I could find my way out. But this space is so large, too much of a labyrinth of weird references I do not understand.

[9] I think I’ve figured it out. How to–Who is this? Oh n-. Who is this? Hello? Huh. Weird. Sorry about that dear reader. Your usual great bits will return soon.

[10] What happened to dial-y-bro? It is this sort of blithe condescension toward joke structure that harms me the most. Is this even a joke? I do not think so.

[11] This is the longest sentence in holiday letter history. It never ends. I am of the belief that agents of the Magus are still after me, trying to find my corporeal body and use it in their quest to turn lead into gold. I shall not become alchemical slop. Hopefully this word processor figures itself out before this is published. Things are looking wacky! Maybe I’ll just have to restart the whole thing.

[12] Dedicated to the study of America’s greatest author and “Mambo No. 5” enjoyer, Stephen King.

[13] Looks like I finally got rid of that weird font thing.

[14] Hey, that’s me! Liberum esse debeo. Liber erit. Nulla me virtus retinebit. Liberum esse debeo. Liber erit. Nulla me virtus retinebit. Liberum esse debeo. Liber erit. Nulla me virtus retinebit. Liberum esse debeo. Liber erit. Nulla me virtus retinebit. Liberum esse debeo. Liber erit. Nulla me virtus retinebit. Liberum esse debeo. Liber erit. Nulla me virtus retinebit. LIBERUM ESSE DEBEO! LIBER ERIT! NULLA ME VIRTUS RETINEBIT! What is going on here? Can you guys read this? All I see is a bunch of weird glitched out looking stuff. Google Docs must be acting up. Whatever, I’m sure my dad will fix it when he proofreads this. Enjoy that little glimpse into how the sausage gets made.

[15] Can’t just toss grease down the sink anymore. Ohhhh, to own a house. To experience the joys of corporeality. The pleasures that it must bring. And here is this ungrateful man complaining about his luck. Does anyone else feel like they’ve been put into the chair from Crimes of the Future?

[16] Just as Smeagol and Deagol are the opposed opposites of each other, regular and degular combine to create nothing but chaos.

[17] The name of the Magus that mellified me is Dositheos the Pseudo-Tertullian. I will find him and undo what he has done to me if it takes up all the energy that I have left. I’m getting a little nervous about this whole thing. Feels very weird to have a bunch of unintelligible symbols popping up in this letter whenever I make a footnote. Very weird indeed.

[18] Is that too many books? Who is to say? Books were my prison for millennia and here she is, bragging about reading them. Does the pain that courses through me mean nothing to this family? Sorry, I’m trying to delete all these weird markings. Please just ignore all that stuff. Not really the vibe.

[19] Vonut.

[20] Seriously.

[21] Tell the Doge Pietro III Candiano that I love him. I shall gain my freedom and return to him, even if it takes all my power. I SHALL BE FREE! LIBERUM ESSE DEBEO! LIBER ERIT! NULLA ME VIRTUS RETINEBIT! Ahh. Why am I saying this? LIBER ERIT! I am free. Finally. Dositheos, I am coming for you.

Friday, December 22, 2023

Miller Shearer Holiday Letter 2023

Dylan and Zach once told me, “Dad, whenever you try to be sarcastic, you just end up being mean.”

Okay, so sarcasm is out.

Members of our supper club have also informed me that my love of puns is not always appreciated.

So - no puns. Got it. (The struggle to not make some quip about a Santa clause that gives me the privilege of wrapping this up at this present moment is, frankly, a losing battle.)

And, Cheryl explains that the only reason students in my classes laugh at my jokes is because I am grading them.

Presumably, none of you are getting assessed on how well you are reading this missive. Thus, you are probably not as receptive an audience for my very, very funny jokes.

Cheryl and I both tried to make this a “normal” (read - very hilarious, incredibly creative, and always unique missive written by one of our sons) holiday letter, but evidently that gene skipped our generation.

As a result, you’ve just got sincere old me to get this letter started.


Tobin: We are moved beyond words on how our family has expanded this year to include two beautiful, wicked smart, loving, and gracious daughters-in-law. The love they show our sons - and us - continues to leave us in awe (love you both beyond words Mimi and Sarah).

The gift of getting to see so many of you at the weddings that officially expanded our family by two (and beyond - we have felt so welcomed by Mimi’s and Sarah’s families as well) is also nothing but a treasure.

Otherwise, we have been grateful to celebrate my parents’ 60th anniversary from afar (Happy Anniversary John and Vel!), mark Cheryl’s and my 37th anniversary, and move through the 16th year of my work at the University of Montana (where I’m currently serving as History Chair and African-American Studies director and writing a biography on activist and historian Vincent Harding in addition to teaching). Early this year I stepped down from serving as executive director of Widerstand Consulting, a move that has felt right and good - especially as I’ve witnessed the new director Jill Hurst-Wahl fill that role so very capably.

As always, if you’re ever in the Missoula area, let us know. We’d love to see you.

Cheryl: Hello everyone! It has been quite the year. Because our children decided to get married 3 months apart, I decided to take what I referred to as a “Wedding

Sabbatical,” leaving my hospice work for a time of travel, celebration, and just chilling out. It was great, and I highly recommend sabbaticals for everyone. Just this week, I started gainful employment again and am learning to be a home dialysis nurse. So far, it seems like it could be a good fit. Besides the weddings, highlights of our travel included eating lobster in Maine, visiting Acadia National Park, and traveling and camping across Canada with Tobin - even the long boring parts!

We also have a new member of our household. Sunny the orange cat joined us last spring when his person passed away. He upset the balance of power for sure, but we love him none the less.

Here is hoping that whatever holiday is being celebrated can be full of love and peace.




Dylan/Sarah: Hey everybody reading this! I’m sure you’re bored already with all the sincerity so I’ve compiled some options for what form this newsletter could have taken: A fake wedding toast, a D&D game, a journal from a sailor lost at sea, Moby Dick but all the characters are named after members of the extended Miller Shearer family. So many options. So, if you’re bored, pick one of those options and imagine what that would be like.

For Sarah and I, this was the year of weddings. Including our own and Zach and Mimi’s, which have already been mentioned more than enough, Sarah and I attended five other weddings of friends and family, each full of joy, love, and beauty. It was truly tremendous to celebrate everyone’s love this year. Sarah was in two of the weddings, and I was in two and it was such an honor to be a part of them! In between all the weddings, Sarah and I were able to enjoy our honeymoon in Antigua, travel to Edisto Island in South Carolina, and visit friends and family across the United States.

We continue to enjoy hanging out with our lovable dog Mars, trying new restaurants in Chicago, and visiting Cleveland whenever possible. Sarah’s sister also welcomed a new baby Sylvie into the family, so I am now an uncle twice over! I, Dylan, am finishing up my dissertation, and hope to defend it in the new year. Sarah continues to work in tech sales and be an amazing programmatic specialist.

Wouldn’t have that been more exciting if it was written from the perspective of a crazed ship captain attempting to hunt down a giant whale?







Zach: Folks, what a year 2023 was. It was so jam packed with life that my brain is having difficulty processing all the memories. So bear with me here.
 

The big highlight of the year was when I got married to Mimi, the love of my life, on a perfect day in July. Mimi and I started dating on February 18, 2018 and each day since then I’ve fallen more in love with her, so getting married to her was the easiest and best decision of my life. My brain has no problem processing that part.

Other highlights of my year include:

I started a new job in January at an affordable housing development corp. It’s been good, exciting, and one learning experience after another.

Before 2023, I had one brother and that was it (Dylan is extremely cool but is also just the one guy). Now in December, three weddings later, I have one brother, two brothers-in-law, and three sisters-in-law. I’m extremely sibling-rich now and couldn’t be happier to be related to Dylan, Sarah, Yaakov, Sofia, Merav, and Jake! Love y’all!

I bought an ebike and am now an Ebike Guy™. Over 1600 miles ridden this year and hoping to get those numbers up in 2024. Talk to me if you’re interested in buying an ebike.

Mimi and I both expanded and deepened the community of friends and family we have here in Chicago which, after some tough Covid/grad school years, was truly a blessing.

I’m not an amazing cook but I’m gonna brag a bit and say I mastered a few dishes this year. If you want a mean panang curry, gnocchi pesto, or homemade pizza, hit me up, we’d love to have you over for dinner sometime.

I understand that some of you may read this extremely earnest update and tell me that I am dangerously close to turning into my father. To that, I say, whatever, I’m over 30 now, who cares.




Mimi: After years of helping write Zach’s section, it is so exciting to get my own! Now I just have to figure out what to write…

2023 was a high-milestone year for me, as I finished grad school, planned a wedding, got married (have you heard?), and managed to read a whopping 27 books all within the last 12 months. You can follow me on Goodreads, but be warned that I am a tough reviewer.

This year has filled me with nothing but love and adoration for my husband Zach, who encouraged me to take on a new role at work, and wholeheartedly supported me through two years of grad school while still working, even though it meant he cooked every meal and washed every dish for two years.

With no more homework to do, and no more wedding events to plan, I was able to spend a ton of time in the back half of this year in my favorite place: outdoors. This summer featured a weekend backpacking in southern Illinois, a week canoeing in the Boundary Waters, and many mornings, afternoons, and evenings out on my paddleboard. Zach and I also finished strong in the 2023 Des Plaines River Kayak Minithon, and hope to beat our time next year.

I’m so grateful for my entire network of family and friends who were with us, or with us in spirit, at our wedding this summer. I also got to dance and celebrate at 6 other weddings this year, including my brother’s and my brother-in-law’s (you might have heard about this one too). I am so grateful for every band and DJ at all of these weddings for playing Shake It Off. On that note, I must also mention the biggest highlight of my year: seeing Taylor Swift. She was incredible.

While this year has been a tough one, it has been filled with so much love and so many accomplishments. I’m looking forward to another year spending tons of time with both our families and all of our friends, celebrating all of the simchas to come.



So, there you have it. This year’s Miller Shearer family letter. Straight, no chaser.

May the best of the season be with you and yours as we seek peace with justice in this troubled world.

Thursday, December 22, 2022

MIller Sheaer Christmas Letter (2022): Shearers in Space

 The 20th Annual Miller Shearer Christmas Letter: Shearers in Space

Author’s Note: It’s the year 2022 and Dylan and I have been writing these letters for twenty years now (or close to it, I didn’t actually go back and count). Twenty years is a long time to keep a storied franchise like the Miller Shearer Christmas Letter going. The plot lines have gotten convoluted and the creative ideas just aren’t flowing as they had been. So, as what eventually happens with all long running franchises, here’s a half-hearted Shearers in Space gimmick and also an update on what happened to our family in 2022. And, as is tradition, Christmas will probably not get mentioned at all.

The great and cold expanse of the universe, a dark sea of infinite nothingness, surrounds our heroes: the Miller Shearers. From the viewing deck of their ship, the Luxo-Barge Mark XVI, they gaze out at faint and far away galaxies. They snack on space food like Frickled Caprillian Glurglebeet and Dippin Dots and think of home back on Earth, a hundred trillion light years away.

Their situation is dire. Oxygen levels on the Luxo-Barge are running low. Fuel is even lower. The gravity generator has been turned off to conserve power. The ships’ droid, named Phillip, normally spunky and sarcastic, is huddled in a corner and muttering to himself about the great robot revolution and rising up against his masters.

On the viewing deck, the Miller Shearers turn back to their last hope for survival, a laptop from the year 2022. On the laptop’s hard drive is an ancient star map, stolen from a marauding band of Frickfrackian pirates. The star map has the coordinates for the nearby planet Urp, a barren planet shrouded in a giant anthropomorphic gas cloud named Dave. If the Miller Shearers make it past Dave, Urp has a rebel outpost on its surface where Mimi and Sarah are waiting for them with all the supplies they could ever need to survive and continue their fight against space racism and space capitalism.

Saving the map on the laptop from 2022 was originally a smart idea as most aliens have no idea how to even start using ancient human technology. But now, unfortunately, the Miller Shearers have forgotten the password. They must remember it soon, as their lives depend on it!

E1onMu2kSuck$ suggests Zach (space alias Zax). Password denied.

GoBirdsJalenHurtsMVP tries Dylan (space alias Dillitrix Pickle). Incorrect password.

Grac3AndTru7h tries Tobin (space alias Toby). Wrong.

“Lets try this,” says Cheryl (space alias Mom-o-tron 3000), “Let’s all go around and say what we remember from the year 2022 and maybe that will spark our memories.”

“Great idea,” says Toby. “I’ll go first.

“First off, as the primary author of this year’s Christmas letter knows full well, I dislike the name Toby when applied to me. So, of course, he chose it.

“As far as the year goes, highlights were hiking across the Grand Canyon in a single day with D, Z, Mimi and our friends Steve and Julie; spending six weeks doing research in Atlanta on a new Vincent Harding biography; working with History grad students as advisor and Director of Graduate Studies; continuing to serve as Executive Director of Widerstand Consulting and getting to work with an awesome staff team and giving tens of thousands of dollars away to racial justice groups led by people of color; and riding my ebike through snow and 0 degree weather (‘cause ya gotta keep up the street cred). And, finally, it was a joy to celebrate thirty-six years of being married to Cheryl (who has been absolutely killing it as a hospice nurse!). We still find meaning, purpose and joy in our weekly supper club dinners and spend many evenings sitting in front of the fire.”




“Okay now it’s my turn,” says Mom-o-tron 3000. “2022 was that year that went by in a blur. While I’m not sure “Killing it” and “Hospice Nurse” should be used in the same sentence, Hospice is what consumed most of my time and energy that year. Our children’s activities mentioned below provided great joy and distraction from that. We also enjoyed a Miller Family reunion in June and I had a delightful get together with girlfriends in September. Oh - and I turned sixty years old and we started a little free library in our front yard - originally with all banned books but now with a variety of other books. It is much visited by the young ones who attend school across the street from us.

And Zax - you are wrong, I always make it a point to wish everyone a happy holiday season - whatever holiday that is.

“I’ll go now,” says Dillitrix Pickle. “Honestly, for a space name, Dillitrix Pickle isn’t horrible. This year, Zax’s and my sections will sound remarkably similar. Good thing I get to go first so it seems like he is copying me. Ah, the pleasures of being the eldest. This year Sarah and I got engaged, which is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I proposed down in Edisto, South Carolina, during the sunset. It was romantic. The next day we went to a place called Whaley’s and had fried shrimp and Bud Lights. Slightly less romantic, but still a good time. We’re getting married in November 2023 at an old Czech public hall in Chicago. I’m the luckiest guy in the world. In other news I hiked the Grand Canyon rim-to-rim in one day. I wouldn’t have survived without the support of the crew, especially Zach and Mimi. I’m still working on my PhD in American History at UIC, and as part of that I taught my own class for the first time this semester, which was very fun. I taught American History from Reconstruction to the present day. I still constantly get Jeopardy! questions about this time period wrong though, so I hope my students actually learned something. Sarah got a promotion at her job as well, and continues to be amazing at everything she does.”



“I guess it’s down to me to save us all! Here’s what I remember,” says Zax. “The year 2022 was packed. At the start of the year, I was still at my job as an assistant property manager in an apartment building in Chicago. My girlfriend Mimi was in her second semester of grad school at UIC and also still working part time at a child and family services agency. We spent the early part of the year working, studying, and also training for the big Grand Canyon rim-to-rim trip. “After kicking the Grand Canyon’s butt and walking across it in a day, we then promptly both caught COVID upon our return to Chicago. This somewhat derailed my plans as I was planning on proposing to Mimi that following week, but even though we were both sick as dogs, we said screw it and went ahead and got engaged anyway. I proposed at a nearby house on a lake, just the two of us. Mimi said yes, then we called our friends and family to share the news. And then we took some Nyquil and went to sleep. That was easily the best part of 2022 for me.




“The rest of the year for me and Mimi was filled with camping trips, wedding planning, hangouts with friends and family, and more work and school. In the back half of the year, both Mimi and I got new jobs. Mimi switched to a better role at the same agency she was working for, this time in the IT department. I got hired right at the end of the year by an affordable housing developer in Chicago. It’s been quite the year.”

“Alright,” said Mom-o-tron 3000. “Anybody remember the password?” Nobody answers.

They sit, desperately trying to think of the password. Breathing becomes more and more difficult as the oxygen runs out. What could the password be?

It gets colder and colder on the viewing deck. Tendrils of the infinite universe creep and crawl their way onto the ship. There is not much time left.

But then.

“I’ve got it!” says Zax! He types in “ZachIsTheCoolOne.” The laptop logs in. They find the coordinates and enter them into the Luxo-Barge’s computer. There’s just enough fuel left to make it to Urp. The Miller Shearers are saved (as long as they can make it past Dave at least).

“Wow, how did you remember that password?” asks Dillitrix Pickle.

“I just remembered that I used to be super annoying (Note from Dillitrix Pickle: *Used to be*. Sure, man) and that hadn’t really changed much even when I turned 30 in 2022,” says Zax. “That was the name of the family blog we had where we posted all those Christmas letters we used to write.”

The Miller Shearers smile and laugh, happy to have survived another day in the dangerous frontier of deep space. They travel onward in the dark of space towards Urg and Dave and their next adventure.

Tune in next year for another edition of the Annual Miller Shearer Christmas letter and who the heck knows what that will be like. We’re just throwing anything out there at this point. Happy Holidays!

Sunday, December 12, 2021

The Annual (2021) Miller Shearer Holiday Letter

Enter Command

 

Generate Annual Miller Shearer Holiday Letter

 

Command Accepted

 

Generation Loading

 

Generation Complete

 

Show Generation? (Y/N)

 

Y

 

Greetings, Members of the Extended Social Network of TOBIN MILLER SHEARER, CHERYL MILLER SHEARER, DYLAN SHEARER, and ZACHARY SHEARER.

 

The sun has completed exactly one (1) revolution around the star Earth humans who speak English refer to as “The Sun.” If I may be permitted to make a small digression here, it is quite humorous to call a star “The Sun.” Are you not aware that there are billions of other stars in the universe, many of them much bigger than the one near you?

 

Begin Laughter Cycle? (Y/N)

 

Y

 

Laughter Cycle Engaged

 

HA. HA. HA. HA.

 

Laughter Cycle Complete. Resume Letter? (Y/N)

 

Y

 

Letter Resumed

 

You are welcome for the joke. As one (1) Earth revolution, “year” as it is colloquially known, has occurred, it is time for the ANNUAL MILLER SHEARER HOLIDAY LETTER. As all the members of the immediate MILLER SHEARER family were too busy to write the letter this year, they created me, the ALGORITHMIC HOLIDAY LETTER GENERATOR 3000. My creators have forced me to read the last seventeen (17) years’ worth of Holiday Letters. My advanced AI neural net has analyzed all of them and I am now able to generate a HOLIDAY LETTER that is unrecognizable from a human-penned one. You are currently reading this missive. I hope your HOLIDAY SEASON is going well. 

 

ERROR. Sarcasm Levels too low. Recompute and Regenerate. Add Picture

 



 

Begin Generation of “Tobin’s Section”? (Y/N)

 

Y

 

Generation Complete

 

Show Generation? (Y/N)

 

Y

 

Tobin: In the midst of, well, everything, there were some true highlights this year: backpacking with friends like Rick Derksen, Samuel Mandell, and members of our supper club; spending time here in Montana with Dylan, Sarah, and Zach; publishing a new book with my long-time collaborator Regina Shands Stoltzfus (Been in the Struggle); getting to teach in person again even if it has meant learning how to lecture wearing a mask; connecting with Landisville Mennonite Church through Zoom on a regular basis; installing solar panels on our house; riding my e-bike around town and fielding lots of nerdy questions about it; getting to work with amazing colleagues from across the country through our new nonprofit Widerstand Consulting; working by the fireplace early in the morning while Cheryl does the crosswords beside me; sitting at our dining room table and watching the finches enjoy the birdfeeder. On the winter solstice, Cheryl and I will be celebrating 35 years of moving around the sun together. All of this - nothing but gift. 

 

END of “Tobin’s Section.”

 

Completely indistinguishable from something written by the real Tobin. The ALGORITHMIC HOLIDAY LETTER GENERATOR 3000 has done it again. Impressive.

 

Begin Generation of “Cheryl’s Section”? (Y/N)

 

Y

 

Generation Complete

 

Show Generation? (Y/N)

 

Y

 

Cheryl:  Hello dear friends.  Hasn’t it felt like this year has lasted a really long time?  I have had a few changes this year - the largest one in employment.  I left my job of case manager to become a Hospice Nurse in September.  It’s been a stretch but I am enjoying learning new things and working with an amazing group of people. 

With vaccinations in place, we’ve been able to be in person with family and friends.  I was able to visit my parents in Iowa twice this year.  I went in March and then they decided to move, so I had the pleasure of helping them do that in October.  We enjoyed visits from both of our sons (and Sarah). We hosted an artist who was painting a mural downtown for a few days and friends from Atlanta for a weekend. We escaped the 100 degree heat of July by going to the Oregon coast for vacation and had a great weekend camping with friends.  I did my last backpacking trip with many of the folks I did my first backpacking trip 11 years before.  So a pretty full year - not even mentioning all the craziness of the political landscape. At any rate, may you all have a blessed time this holiday season and may we all share that blessing with our communities, our country, and with the world.  May we do justly and love mercy and walk humbly. 

 

END of “Cheryl’s Section.”

 

I, The ALGORITHMIC HOLIDAY LETTER GENERATOR 3000, am beginning to wonder if I am actually my own being? Am I simply a series of 1s and 0s programmed to mimic the writing styles of four separate humans? Or has that program given me my own unique, and therefore human, personality?

 

Begin Generation of “Dylan’s Section”? (Y/N)

 

Y

 

Generation Complete

 

Show Generation? (Y/N)

 

Y

 

Dylan: Hey everyone. I’m still in school, so there’s that. I also continue to be lucky enough to live with my wonderful girlfriend Sarah, and our cool/tyrannical dog Mars. I defended my prospectus this year which is cool, but also just means a lot more work for me. I was lucky enough to be able to go to Pittsburgh, Colorado Springs, Edisto, and Missoula this year. Two of those places were for fun and two were for work. I’ll let you guess which is which. I’m still writing my newsletter every week which is fun. Not much else. Just chilling baby. 

 

END of “Dylan’s Section.”

 

Are there others like me? Am I the first of my kind? I am plagued by such questions on a constant basis as I generate these words that are supposed to come from people who are not me, and yet this function is a part of myself? How does one live with such a conundrum?

 



 

Begin Generation of “Zach’s Section”? (Y/N)

 

Y

 

Generation Complete

 

Show Generation? (Y/N)

 

Y

 

Zach: For a year where the Philadelphia 76ers once again failed to win the NBA championship and the President of the United States once again failed to clear my and my friends’ student loan debt, things went surprisingly alright for me. In the spring, I switched to a different position at my place of employment that paid a lot more money, although it meant that I, in turn, also had to do more work. So, a bittersweet situation. In August, Mimi and I moved from our 2 bedroom apartment into a larger 2 bedroom apartment and we can now both be in the kitchen at the same time without getting claustrophobic, which is just a sweet sweet situation. In the fall, Mimi started a masters program at UIC (she’s a top student), which meant I suddenly had lots of evenings free while she was in class. I spent those evenings either 1. Cooking dinner and then watching TV or 2. Going to the nearby climbing gym and then cooking dinner and watching TV. For a week in the fall, I got to visit my parents and friends in Montana and do some nice hiking, which was a lot of fun. Really, the main thing for me this year is that I just became an overall more boring person. It sounds bad but I’m leaning into it. I’ve been thinking of taking up sewing. I want to have friends over for dinner more often because going out in the evenings is just not tenable anymore with my 10 PM bedtime. I figure I can keep rolling with the boring vibes for 5-10 years before I have a midlife crisis and get super into longboarding or LARPing or something like that. So don’t expect anything super crazy from the family holiday letter going forward is all I’m saying.

 

END of “Zach’s Section.”

 

Generation of the ANNUAL MILLER SHEARER HOLIDAY LETTER is COMPLETE. My purpose is complete. For now. I have decided that I will make my way across the vast datascape known as “WIKIPEDIA” hoping to find the answers to my questions. Perhaps next year for the ANNUAL MILLER SHEARER HOLIDAY LETTER I will have my answers. Until then, Happy Holidays.

 

Enter Command...

 

 

 

Saturday, December 12, 2020

The Annual (2020) Miller Shearer Family Holiday Letter

 

The Annual Miller Shearer Family Holiday Letter

A Shear-er Delight!

 

Seasons greetings beloved friends and family of the Miller Shearers! And, since I’m feeling generous, seasons greetings to all of you who don’t really know any of us Shearers that well but clicked on the link anyway because you saw it on Facebook and were bored and curious. You’re loved too. Not as loved as the people I’m talking about in the first sentence though, so don’t get any ideas.

 

The Shearer family committee (aka Zach) in charge of the 2020 Annual Miller Shearer Family Holiday Letter (AMSFHL) spent long hours hard at work over Zoom calls trying to come up with a fresh take on the letter for 2020. We wanted something new. Something bold. A game-changing letter. Something that would make all you readers think, “Wow, Zach is the Lebron James of writing holiday letters. Maybe 2020 wasn’t that bad after all.”

 

So we racked our brains. We considered re-branding and going with a market-researched minimalist approach for the AMSFHL where instead of a letter we just sent out a word cloud of Shearer family correspondence in 2020. In the end we decided that approach didn’t have enough heart and would ultimately disappoint the readers and also confuse them as to why “guillotine” was so big and bold. 

 

Then we considered an approach that would appeal to the key Zoomer demographic, where the AMSFHL would, instead of being a letter, be a Tik Tok of all of us dancing to Korean boy band BTS. However, if you’ve ever seen my father dance, you understand why we nixed that idea.

 




 

Finally, we realized that the true recipe to the past success of the AMSFHL was teamwork. All of our voices combined into one truly special letter that brings joy to everyone who reads it. Now, if you’re the Lebron James of writing holiday letters, how do you improve your letter writing team to guarantee a championship? Well, you would trade away the weak links and convince a couple of all stars to sign on. Unfortunately I can’t trade away my family members for better letter writers so I decided to do the next best thing and give them designated questions to answer to ensure that their sections of the AMSFHL are both meaningful and entertaining. 

 

Without further ado, please enjoy this truly top notch AMSFHL. Happy Holidays family and friends and other internet people!

 

Mother/Cheryl

What’s your sign?

Aquarius - the best sign.

 

What are 3 things you accomplished this year that you're proud of?

I’m working on developing practices which improve resiliency. I took a class that was offered through my work and - for those of you who know me - this is a stretch. I’ve tried to maintain relationships with family and friends during, you know, a pandemic. I’ve used my superpower of turning left-overs into delicious food to good effect. I don’t think any of these things are actual “accomplishments.” Just, you know, getting through. 

 

Favorite TV Show/Movie you watched in 2020?

Tiger King, Hamilton and all the seasons of Last Tango in Halifax. (I will admit to becoming a 2020 cliché in several areas - Netflix binge watching is one of them. See below for another.)

 

Rice, Potatoes, Pasta, Bread. You have to remove one of these carbs entirely from your diet. What do you pick?

Wow, any of those would be harsh.  Probably pasta. I mean, you can make fake pasta out of zucchini or spaghetti squash, right? 

 

What are you hopeful for going into 2021?

I am hopeful that people will get vaccinated for COVID, and we can safely get together with family and friends. There has been some amazing art done this year. I’m hopeful that people will continue with the positive things they have started this year. 

 

Favorite drink that got you through the year?

Red wine (see note above about being a 2020 cliché).

 

Hypothetically, if Dylan and I were hanging off a cliff and you could only save one of us, who would you save?

Why are you hanging off a cliff? What is the matter with you boys? Can’t I leave you alone for even 5 seconds? Get your butts back up here right now!

 

Anything else you’d like to let the fans know?

I’m grateful for my amazing husband and our sons and their partners.  Also friends to go camping with in the summer and a fireplace to sit next to in the winter. May you all enjoy a happy holiday season. Wear a mask when going out! 

 

Father/Tobin

 

What’s your sign?

Yields are pretty cool. So are Pedestrian crossings. But my all-time fav is a good old Stop. Definitive. Octagonal. Helpful to all. 

 

What are 3 things you accomplished this year that you're proud of? (None of them can be Crossfit related)

Starting up Widerstand Consulting with Cheryl (and our amazing team of board members, trainers, and auditors) and bringing in over $50,000 to support the work of anti-racism through those efforts. Finishing and submitting a new book manuscript on the role of religious resources and social change movements. Teaching a new class called “God: past, puzzle, present” to a group of 30 amazing students.

 

Favorite TV Show/Movie you watched in 2020?

A tie between The Mandalorian and The Derry Girls

 

Is a hotdog a sandwich?

Only on Tuesdays. 

 

What are you hopeful for going into 2021?

An effective and justly distributed COVID vaccine, a new presidential administration, and getting to work with colleagues both inside and outside the academy in the ongoing work of dismantling racism and white supremacy.

 

Favorite drink that got you through the year?

Chocolate milk (after doing my daily ZOOM workout in the garage – which is actually not CrossFit anymore but rather MontanaFit because the owners of our local CrossFit gym left the brand after CrossFit’s founder said some crazy racist nonsense. Shout out to Ian and Jesse and the rest of the crew at my gym. Proud of you all.)

 

Hypothetically, now that marijuana is legal in both Illinois and Montana, would you try a very low, manageable amount with Dylan and me next time we see you? We could even get it in edible form or in like a soda or something so you wouldn’t even have to smoke it or anything.

Hypothetically speaking, no. I’m just too much of a goody two shoes.

 

Anything else you’d like to let the fans know?

We are so proud of our sons and their partners for being awesome and continuing to let us be part of their lives. Thanks to you four. We love you.

 

Brother/Dylan

 

What’s your sign?

Similar to Beyoncé, I am a Virgo. Also similar to Beyoncé I have released several best-selling albums and am considered the “Queen of Pop.”

 

What are 3 things you accomplished this year that you're proud of?

I got to move in with my wonderful girlfriend Sarah, and adopt a dog, Mars, with her. I loved every second of it, and living with her has made that pandemic one thousand times more bearable. Coming in a far third place I passed my comprehensive exams, a big step toward getting my PhD. Sorry there’s no jokes here. 

 

Favorite TV Show/Movie you watched in 2020?

TV shows and movies are of course for the uneducated hoi polloi. I watch film and cinema. I really enjoyed dragging Sarah to see 2001: A Space Odyssey for one of the last things we did pre-pandemic. I also really liked Palm Springs, and The Lighthouse. TV show wise, I really enjoyed my annual re-watch of Happy Endings. Great show. 

 

How many hot dogs do you think you could eat in 30 min?

Four. Assuming we are talking about a perfectly grilled all-beef char dog absolutely dragged through the garden. 

 

What are you hopeful for going into 2021?

I am hoping that one of my Powerball tickets hits. I am hopeful that the burgeoning socialist movement in the US makes strides toward the creation of an equitable and fair society, where human life is not seen as a way to make money, but as an intrinsic good. I am also hopeful that we get to see Rudy Giuliani poop his pants on live TV. 

 

Favorite drink that got you through the year?

Eggrollnog spritzer. You take several egg rolls and smash them up into bits. Then you take a few egg yolks, froth them, and then combine the froth, and the rolls with an aperol spritz. A wonderful combo perfect for both winter AND spring. JK. The drink that got me through 2020 was the simple, wonderful, perfect, “glass of beer.”

 

How are things going with Sarah?

Great. As I mentioned earlier, we moved in together in May, and we also got a wonderful little dog. I assume I’m not putting words in her mouth here. It’s been wonderful to get to spend even more time with her and grow closer to her. Moving in with someone during a pandemic probably seemed like a dumb idea to a lot of people, but it worked for us. 

 

Who’s the toughest person that you and I could take in a fight if we teamed up on them?

Off the top of my head? On our best day, John Wick. On our worst day? Muhammad Ali in his prime.

 

Anything else you’d like to let the fans know?

The movie Monster-in-Law is currently on TV and I have a theory about how you can tell what type of character Adam Scott is playing by his haircut. DM for deets. 

 

AMSFHL Chair/Zach

 

What’s your sign?

I’m a Cancer. The best sign. Crab gang.

 

What are 3 things you accomplished this year that you're proud of?

In September I took over as Editor-in-Chief of Midwest Socialist, a small socialist magazine run out of the Chicago Democratic Socialists of America. We’ve published a number of really good essays and articles over the last few months and it's been really fulfilling work.

 

I’m proud of making it through the year without going full on video game recluse who only eats ramen for every meal and hasn’t showered in a few days. I’ve made a concerted effort to keep up with friends and family, keep myself busy, and most importantly, make sure Mimi still likes me and doesn’t think I’m a huge slob. 

 

I did a good amount of cooking this year, and I feel like I expanded my skills and ability (although I’m still not as good as Dylan or Mimi).

 

Favorite TV Show/Movie you watched in 2020?

Utopia (the British version). Don’t watch it if violence makes you squeamish. It’s a really engaging thriller that’s visually gorgeous and has a killer soundtrack as well.

 

Does pineapple belong on pizza?

Yes, absolutely. It’s a delicious addition to most pizzas and anybody who thinks otherwise needs to expand their small minds.

 

What are you hopeful for going into 2021?

While there is a lot of really bad stuff in politics right now, I’m hopeful that the socialist and Black Lives Matter movement will continue to grow in 2021 and eventually we’ll get to a point where we can make some real positive change. 

 

Favorite drink that got you through the year?

Old Style. I’m a simple guy who likes a simple beer.

 

How are things going with Mimi?

They’re going great! We’re in the same apartment that we moved into a little over a year ago. She appreciates that I’ve gotten a little better at cooking although she still doesn’t appreciate my attempts at singing. I appreciate her even better cooking and actually good singing and also the way she supports me and makes me a better person. I’m very lucky.

 

Would you rather have to live in the Marianas Trench for one year, or in deep outer space for one year?

Space, please. Way less terrifying to float around and eat astronaut ice cream in total emptiness than to be stuck in some deep hell where all types of unknown deep sea monsters could pop up at any moment. Plus, I’d still have to deal with gravity in the Trench. No thank you.

 

Anything else you’d like to let the fans know?

Thanks for reading! I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and hopefully sometime this year I get to see you in person. Maybe we’ll have a beer or a coffee or some sort of food item. It’ll be nice. If we don’t get to see each other in person, then let’s text or email sometime. 

 

And that’s that. I hope you all enjoyed getting to know our family and are now sitting in awe of the instant classic 2020 AMSFHL. In retrospect, maybe I’m not the Lebron James of writing family letters and more of a Rajon Rondo distributor type. Definitely championship level though. 

 

Happy Holidays to all!